Surrounded By Love

This weekend I went to the wedding of two very good friends. I was in fact, blessed to be able to perform the ceremony for them. I'm not ordained, but they got married at a chapel in Vegas where there was a minister to do the official declaring them married part afterward as they signed their marriage license. I got to lead them in sharing their vows with each other, exchanging rings, and a flower binding ceremony with their respective children. It was so touching to hear them express their amazing love for one another and to be part of the ritual that marked their formation of a new family.

Now what does this have to do with this blog? Well both my friends are fat and both of them are beautiful. He's a lifelong vegetarian, artist, and one of the kindest men I know. She's sassy and strong and amazingly loyal to those she loves. She looked absolutely gorgeous in her white dress with black accents and he was so handsome in his dark suit and purple tie. I thought he might burst with happiness and the love and joy shining from his eyes all through the ceremony was amazing. I felt really lucky to have the intimate view of their commitment as we stood before their friends and family. And it was inspiring as a fat woman looking for love.

The reception was interesting for me in that there were actually quite a few single men there (unusual in my experience of weddings). Several of the groom's friends are single and I have hung out with some of them before (and actually been on dates with two of them in the past) and there was another fellow who I just felt an amazing instant chemistry with. It turned out that though he was there by himself, he is "loosely partnered"  and I later found out from my friends is actually expecting a baby. Not really a great potential match for me, but oh boy, it was fun to dance and flirt with him! In the end, even with all those single fellows about, I spent the night in my hotel room alone.

Sometimes weddings make me sad. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who hasn't been able to find a strong and enduring love.  And dang it, I want the pretty dress and someone vowing to be my partner. I want to love and be loved in return. I want the celebration with all my nearest and dearest and I want the joy of having someone choose to create a family with me.

Luckily, somehow this weekend I didn't feel the negative side of those desires. I didn't have the ugly tint of envy washing over the joy of celebrating my friends' happiness. This weekend I felt the love of my friends surrounding me, I felt the power of the many beautiful loves I have in my life even though I do not have that primary partner that so much of our society concentrates on as bringing meaning to life. I still want those things but I was at peace with where I am now, at peace with the knowledge that I am surrounded by love even if it doesn't look the way I expected it would.

Edited because paragraph breaks are important and I thought you might enjoy seeing a picture from the wedding.

Coloring Bodies Like Mine In Spaaaaace!

Yesterday a box arrived at my door. Inside were four copies of Nicole Lorenz's new coloring book, Fat Ladies in Spaaaaace. I saw it mentioned on The Rotund and just had to have a copy. I knew I wanted to give at least one copy away and Amazon has a buy three get one free deal so I ordered four. After I got home last night from a beer tasting party to benefit my UU church I sat down and colored a few pages.


I love seeing these images of women with bodies like mine doing the things I love to read about and imagine. What a gift Nicole Lorenz has given those of us without the ability to draw such things by making our fantasies come to life in such a fun way!

As I was coloring the tummy of the Diva below, I realized how I could fully see this body type as beautiful now which I'm not sure I could have a year or two ago. This is still impacting changes in how I dress and how I date. I am no longer petrified that the lump of my belly may show too prominently in an outfit. I don't think "yuck" when I look at that part of my body (most of the time anymore) and I don't mind if it is highlighted a little bit by the clothes I have on. I am so much nicer to my physical self.



Nicole is also having a coloring contest and one of the prizes is for her to do one of her drawings of you in this style!!! I can not imagine how cool that would be to have. I probably don't have the talent for coloring (or the technical know-how to do it on the computer) to win but hey a gal can dream!

So go download a few sample pages from the website and order your copy/copies on Amazon. I highly recommend getting your color on with these, they are FABULOUS!

Breakups, blues, and the love of the women around me

The Craigslist adventure came to an end. The breakup blindsided me a bit though it did come from the place I had been most concerned about, his past relationship. I had thought that it seemed a bit too soon for him to be moving on, and I was right. He wasn't really ready. I won't go into the details out of respect for his privacy but it was very clear to me that it wasn't about me. It wasn't about me being too much or not enough in any way.

It was hard to have it end, hard to let go of the hope that this might be different but the relationship itself, right up until the end, was a great opportunity for me to see how ready I am to be part of a real partnership. Looking back I am happy with how I was able to be fully present during the time we were together, to not let the same issues come up for me that have gotten in the way of making a connection in the past and to maturely handle both the good and the not-so-good aspects of relating to another person.

After the breakup I was beautifully supported by several of my woman friends. I feel such gratitude for the amazing community around me. The day it happened, they scooped me up, told me repeatedly how wonderful I am and how ridiculous it was of him to give me up. They got me just a wee bit drunk, kept me safe as we swam and laughed and ate good sushi and throughout it all let me cry and swear away some of my anger at the suddenness of the breakup. That day and in the days since, they held me in a circle of comfort and I was able to quickly find my center again. Of course I feel a little sad but luckily we weren't that far into it. It had only been two months really and I'm so glad it happened sooner rather than after 6 months or a year.

Now I have to decide where I go from here. Do I hop right back on the horse, re-post a dating profile somewhere? Do I look for somewhere different? (I think I've tried every major on-line dating site out there.) Is there somewhere I could be meeting more men in person? My work and friend communities are heavily female dominated. Even my super-liberal, non-christian church has very few (if any) single, straight men who are anywhere near my age. Or do I just hang back for a bit and see what happens?

A Little Help From A Friend

Last month one of my best friends sent me a text message while I was at work. She's tried to set me up with a few of her friends and has just generally been very encouraging of my dating process. Here's how the conversation went:

T: Can I put up a personal ad for you?
Me: What? I already have one.
T: On Craigslist.
Me: Craigslist is all sex. That's not what I want right now.
T: There are some good guys there.
Me: Well if you want to sort the replies you can. I just don't think I have the energy to do it right now and I don't want to see the penis pictures (I had tried Craigslist in the past so I knew what she'd be getting.)
T: Yay!

I was in a bit of a dating funk. I was feeling grumpy about the process and the amount of work that it took. I'd been debating taking down my ads on the dating sites and was generally pessimistic about the possibility of meeting anyone who was right for me but I figured if she wanted to do the work, I'd let her.

Here's the ad. I laughed when I saw it. I couldn't believe she'd put in the "awesome" line. She chose a picture from my facebook and put it up as well. It wasn't one I would have picked.

Title: Why Not?-35 (Neighborhood I Live In)
Let's get straight to the point.

Me: 35, never married, no kids, dog person, PhD, Occupational Therapist, apartment with one roommate, liberal, curvy, sweet, kinda nerdy, love to explore Los Angeles, originally from the East Coast, non-smoker, social drinker, all around awesome.

You: 34-39, have a career (not just a job), some sort of higher education (I understand that not all people are college people, but a thirst for knowledge and bettering oneself is important), roommates ok, your mother's house not ok (few exceptions granted), wants kids (eventually), likes to explore the world but can appreciate a nice day lounging in bed, liberal, gay friendly, dog friendly, have a car but understands the importance of public transportation, social drinker, can make conversation without it feeling like a job interview.

Do not respond if you are looking for a booty call (though they have their place, not what i'm looking for).

Bonus points: I like a guy with a few extra pounds
Super Bonus points: is or is at least is familiar with UU (and no cheating by looking it up)

That evening, T sent me three email replies. Each had a picture and short response.
One amused me because he had the same last name as T. I playfully accused her of setting up an elaborate ruse to get me to go out with her cousin. She denied it.

His response was short and simple:

Hello my name is **** I’m 35 I live by ****. I am a geeky guy, I do have a job let me rephrase that career. I work for a hospital. I love music and I do love dogs a lot. OK if you want to chat my yahoo is ****. I hope to hear from you!!

His picture was cute. He has a goatee and square glasses and a little bit of a hipster vibe. I found him on yahoo the next night and we chatted for several hours. I emailed the other two guys as well but quickly decided they were not for me. I wasn't sure with this one. There were a few things that I didn't think were promising. He's not long out of a marriage and he doesn't drink (I like to be able to go out and have drinks with my dates) but he was sweet, funny and most unusually, respectful on IM. I know it's disturbing that I think this is rare but my experience in the world of online dating led me to expect otherwise. We chatted again a few nights later and then talked on the phone. We planned a coffee date. We walked around and then got gelato. We didn't kiss or even hold my hand. I worried that he didn't like me but he suggested we meet at a dog park the next weekend with our dogs. We went to the dog park then out for a late lunch-again no kiss or even touching but he asked me to come to the movies with him the following week. I was really wondering at this point if he was interested. During the movie he surprised me with a kiss. I felt a bit like I was back in high-school. He later admitted that he hadn't kissed me sooner because he wasn't sure if I liked him.

We've been seeing each other a few times a week ever since and I must admit that I like him more each time I see him. Oh and I took down my other personal ads.

Dress for a date

I'm totally craving this new dress from Sealed with a Kiss Designs.

I love the color (they call it mushroom) and it looks like it would move really well. I'm trying hard not to buy any more new clothes right now since I picked up some great pieces right before my trip to Hawaii in April but oh this is tempting me! I also love that it's featured in Sarah's Closet on the site since it gives me a much better idea of what the dress will look like on my body. The model above is gorgeous of course, but she's probably 8 inches taller than me and wears a significantly smaller dress size. If I do order it I'll probably throw in a Boyfriend Tee (might not have a boyfriend but at least I can have the T-shirt!) I wouldn't have considered it before I saw it on Sarah in the closet feature. It looks amazing on her and convinced me that it's worth a try.

I'd love to pair that dress with my denim blazer for an after work cocktail date. I had one of those recently where I wore a favorite red dress that I got at Macy's a few years ago. It's a dark red knit with a fitted bodice, circle skirt, and pretty braided trim and straps. Hmm...I can't believe I don't have a picture of it somewhere but I can't find one. I wore it with a short sleeved brown shrug and big round dark wood dangling earrings. I felt really pretty in the outfit and it seemed that my date agreed. We drank Sangria, had good conversation and had plans for a second date by the time he walked me to my car.

I wear a lot of dresses and almost always wear one when going on a date. I just love the comfort and ease that comes with throwing on a dress. I often wear bike shorts underneath to prevent the dreaded chub rub. I struggle to find ones that cover my cleavage in some meaningful way (it's a mighty task) without looking like I showed up in a potato sac and often end up throwing a tank or boob tube underneath to make the dress decent for public appearances.

Fellow fat daters, do you have a first date outfit? I've heard of women who always wear the same outfit when going on internet dates. I'm not that consistent. I have to wear what I'm in the mood for or I won't feel comfortable.

Edited to fix my grammar and reinstate the lost last paragraph!

No Reply

A few weeks ago I spotted a profile of a man on one of the dating sites I use that seemed like an ideal match for me. I agreed with everything he wrote on his profile and in fact found it charming and interesting. He had answered many of the questions that are important to me and our answers seemed to agree on almost everything. He even had answered yes to a question about whether he would date someone who was significantly overweight. I was hopeful in a way I haven't been about many folks I've found on these sites.

I carefully wrote out a reply commenting on something he'd said on his profile and expressing interest in getting to know him. I sent it off late one evening and waited for a response.

Usually when I send off a message on these sites I have very little attachment to the results. I almost forget who I have replied to sometimes but this one was different. Days went by with no message back from him and I thought, "Well he's probably busy or just hasn't checked his messages." A week went by and I risked looking at his profile to see if he had logged in. He had. Another few days went by and I realized that he wasn't going to respond. I waited yet another few days and then I sent a second message saying that I could see that he wasn't interested but that if he would be willing, I would appreciate any feedback as to why. I was really curious because it seemed like I fit very well into what he was saying he wanted and he seemed from his profile to be the kind of man I am interested in. That was Thursday and I have not heard anything back. I'm guessing I probably won't. I have to admit that I'm disappointed. I would really have liked to know why he wasn't interested. Perhaps something on my profile isn't representing me or what I want accurately and I'd like to get that feedback.

One good thing about this is that seeing his profile helped me to clarify what I want. I actually edited my profile to include a few things that his made me think about. I'm really happy with my new profile even though I haven't been getting many responses. I feel it better represents who I am and what I'm looking for and as such will hopefully lead to those who do reply being a better match for me.

Checking the Fat Box

One of the challenges of online dating while fat is choosing which euphemism to represent your body size.

The choices on one popular site are:

No answer
Slender
About average
Athletic and toned
Heavyset
A few extra pounds
Stocky
Big and beautiful
Curvy
Full figured

The choices on another are:

Rather not say
Thin
Overweight
Skinny
Average
Fit
Athletic
Jacked
A little extra
Curvy
Full figured
Used up

There just aren't words there that I want to use. Overweight implies that I should be a different weight and I'm over it. Curvy is something I am, but I don't like how it's used as a euphemism for fat bodies. Many people are curvy and fat many are curvy and not fat. I'm not all that fond of Big and beautiful but it feels like the best bet sometimes because I think it most closely represents my body in a way that folks will recognize from the popularity of the BBW shorthand. I sometimes use Full figured but it leaves me feeling a bit dissatisfied. I'm not sure what I'd like there. I wish that I didn't need to choose. I've always included a full body photo so folks can judge for themselves whether my body is going to be something they could be attracted to.

For those of you who on-line date, what descriptors are you using? Do you feel frustrated by the choices? What other options might you like to see?

Possibilities and picture thoughts

Whew, looks like I took an unintentional hiatus. The last entry shook me up a bit and I had to take some time to let my new revelations sink in. I've been exploring a few more options for interacting with different people, saying yes more to my opportunities and making a point of engaging in things I find fun.

Dating wise, I have a few new possibilities to explore. I've got a date Saturday night with a man from a big dating web-site. I don't know a ton about him beyond his profile and a few emails we've exchanged, but I'm looking forward to finding out more. We're meeting at a Mexican restaurant for dinner.

There's also a fellow from a good distance away who has approached me online. We're just beginning the process of chatting and getting to know one another. I think I am open to something long distance right now though I haven't been in the past. I feel like I'm in a place where the details don't matter as much as the connection.

Thirdly, two people have tried to set me up in the last month. The first was with a lovely man who is the best friend of the boyfriend of one of my friends from my church (Unitarian Universalist for those who are curious...so not exactly your typical idea of church). We met at a party, hit it off and had a great time, but he is not in the market for a relationship due to being in the middle of a family crisis. I'm not giving up on him totally, but I am trusting him when he says he can't do relationship right now so as not to get hung up on another unavailable man.

The second set-up was with a man who is 15 years older than I am. He seemed quite nice though possibly a bit conservative for me. We talked a few times on the phone but haven't made any plans to get together.

None of these are particularly exciting but it's nice to have some possibilities and to have the dating world feel open and engaged. I'm thrilled that people have started setting me up, I take it as a complement and am trying to spread the word that I'd be open to any kind of set-up that folks think would work for me. I also asked one friend to re-work my dating profile to help me move away from the bitterness I was feeling about it. I'm happy with what she came up with though I haven't posted it yet.

Lastly, I'm not sure if this will end up having anything to do with dating, but I finally got a webcam and am figuring out how to use it. I think it may at least mean that it's easier for me to have more variety in my pictures so that not all of them are me dressed up at some event or doing something silly. I went through my pictures on my online profile and tried to put more in that showed my personality. I now have 9 pictures up. One that's just my face, two from a recent friend's wedding, one of which is a full body shot standing with a friend, one of me on the beach--full body from a bit of distance in a bathing suit with a skirt, two from sporting events-one hockey, one American football (both things I enjoy watching live), one of me singing karaoke with a friend, and two darker shots in bars one of which is me and two friends doing the see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil pose. I used to have some "prettier" shots up but these feel more real to me. I'm wondering if there are too many though. Any thoughts?

edited for spelling

Breaking Out of My Shell

I've opened up a can of worms. It all started when, based on the conversations I'd had with the Summer Fling, I realized that I needed a new online dating profile. I needed to shake up my old profile and make it more fun. This led to the realization that in fact I need to shake up my life and make it more fun. The more I thought about my current profile, the more I've realized that it is actually reflecting my current life. My life has gotten boring. My work is intense and interesting to a point but I don't want my life to be all about my work. I find it stimulating but it doesn't fulfill me. I've always prided myself on keeping my life interesting, of doing fun things with fun people but somehow lately I've lost that spark.

It's time to make a plan for more fun, more adventures, more excitement, more playfulness, more ME. I am more than my work. I need to make sure that is reflected in the things I'm doing, the places I'm going and the people I'm spending time with yet I'm not sure how to make that happen.

I feel like I need to explore some more of what makes me who I am. I've spent a lot of time trying to be what other people expect. I did all the things I was told to do and now I find myself waiting for the rewards I was told I would receive. For some reason, those rewards didn't show up. There's no husband and babies when I expected that I would have them. I've been good but Santa seems to have skipped over my chimney. I've made the lists, I've taken the classes, read the relationship books, worked with coaches and therapists, I've visualized and believed with all my heart that I would have that life but here I am, 35 and still single and childless. I've got a PhD but am not sure I want the career that goes along with it. I'm not so young and not exactly the classic definition of pretty and now somehow I've managed to become boring...how did this happen?

I feel like I've flirted with the edges of some worlds that might hold interest for me but I can't quite get into them. I've recently discovered that I'm more of a geek than I knew. I've always been interested in sci-fi/fantasy to a certain degree, I stumbled across the work of Anne McCaffrey and Piers Anthony as a teenager but didn't figure out where to go next with it. I loved stories about dragons and unicorns and psychic powers. I discovered a show called Quantum Leap and loved it but I didn't know anyone else who liked these things. I wanted to fit in, to be liked by the other kids at school and I never found a group who I really fit with. I was also fairly oblivious. There were probably other kids around who liked what I liked but I didn't see them. I was smart and I liked to sing and these things fit with the groups I could find. I had friends but we didn't really have deep connections. I'm friends now with a few of them on Facebook but we don't really stay in touch. No one in my family liked the geeky things either. I was working so hard to avoid the negative judgments of others, the judgments related to my body and my bookishness. I was afraid to be different in any more ways than those. Now as an adult I've explored it a little bit more and I've discovered a bunch of things I really love, the books of Neil Gaiman and Dr. Who being two of them. Yet I don't know how to engage further in that world. I feel stuck. I read all those books and watched all the new Dr. Who episodes but how do I find other people who are interested in these things? I feel like I'm behind, like those who are engaged in that world all started when they were teenagers and now here I am in my mid-thirties, just admitting that I like this stuff. Just looking to connect over these things, just starting to explore these worlds.

Another world I've flirted with is the arty/hippie world. I went to Burning Man twice, met some amazing people, LOVED dressing up and the theme events, enjoyed the art, but was shy about the drugs, not wanting to admit my inexperience and naivete and being too afraid to try things that I didn't really understand. I couldn't fully engage with the open sexuality there. I got scared, backed off and just felt envious of those who were able to open themselves up to it. I feel like I've really repressed my sexuality. I've always been intrigued by a much more open sexual world, more kink, more exploration but again, I've been afraid. Afraid I don't have the right body for it, afraid others will laugh at the fat woman who wants to be a sexual creature. I used to like talking about sex with people. I've always been fascinated by what's out there though I've felt afraid of getting into a situation where I didn't know what I was doing. I've lost a bit of the thrill in my sex life in the last few years because I haven't had a consistent, playful partner. I don't even know how to describe it, but I've been afraid to explore my sexuality, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid that it's too late to explore, afraid I'll offend someone, afraid that I'll end up being a slut full of uncontrollable desires and unmet needs, afraid that I'll ruin my chances of living this life I thought I was on the path to with the good job and the family. The life that isn't happening anyway but somehow this is a threat to it.

Another community (and one that I suspect may overlap with some of the others) are the folks who play online games and go to Renaissance Fairs but with all of these, I can't quite figure out how to gain entry, I feel like I need someone to give me a tour and show me the way, to say "Hey, come with me and try this out." Why can't I just do it myself? I am still afraid.

I've spent so long repressing my true desires and worrying about what others think that I am having trouble digging into that space inside myself. By covering it all up and trying to be who I thought I should be, I think I've lost what makes me interesting. I think I've hidden the things that could have really allowed me to connect with someone. I've pasted on this papier-mâché Kim that has covered up the light of who I really am. I want to let that light out. I want to explore these sides of myself without fear. Without looking ignorant to both those inside and outside the communities, without fear of the consequences. I've lived too much of my life dictated by fear. I have a lot more light to radiate. I have to break free of this shell I've created. The funny thing though is that it's not about being fat. The shell isn't the fat girl hiding the thin girl who has always wanted out. The inner me is still a fat woman. She's just bolder and less afraid and she's much more interesting.

Edited to fix my many spelling errors.

Better Catch-The update

So in my last post I talked about the man I dated last summer who recently suggested that my online dating profile needed to be reworked and made me a bit uncomfortable in the process. I ended up having a very good conversation with him about the situation finally this past week. We'd been trying to find a time to talk for several weeks but we both have busy schedules and then there's the three hour time difference so it took a while.

Soon after I posted the previous entry, I responded to his email saying that I was a bit uncomfortable with the initial suggestion. He immediately sent back an apology. When we were finally able to find a time to talk on the phone he continued to apologize and clearly realized why it was awkward. He said he'd wondered if he might have put his foot in his mouth when I didn't respond immediately and was upset that he'd done something that made me uncomfortable. He told me that when he wrote the email he was trying to find a way to reciprocate for some advice I'd given him that he'd found very helpful and since he's done a lot of online dating he thought perhaps that was an area where he could offer something to me. I felt better after hearing his explanation and explaining a bit more about my feelings and I'm glad we got a chance to talk about it.

When I then asked what his feedback was, it actually was illuminating though I haven't decided what I'm going to do with it yet. He mentioned that it struck him that my profile is very serious while I am actually a very playful person who uses a great deal of humor in my day-to-day life. I think he's right and after he told me this I started to reflect on why this might be. I realized that part of it is that I'm not very happy about online dating. I don't find the process of sorting through the replies to be fun or exciting. Perhaps I'm even a bit burnt out. I want to be dating, but I feel cynical about the potential. I've been on so many bad dates now and had so many good dates that then ended up not going anywhere that I feel as if I've lost my hope for finding something meaningful. I'm tired of wading through the guys who are looking only for a sexual connection when I know that I want something more.

Since this conversation I've been a bit frozen with regards to my online dating presence. Realizing that this part of my life just isn't fun anymore makes me wonder if I should be doing it at all. I do know that I want to be in a relationship again. I really enjoy couplehood. I like the day-to-day companionship and I know that I thrive when I have someone to engage with in that reciprocal caring way. I want a lover again in my life. I miss the intimacy of a good regular sex life. I love to touch and be touched and I know I'm a more balanced human being when I'm getting those needs met.

So now I'm asking myself where I go from here. Do I try to rework my profile to better reflect my personality, the joyful fun parts of me as well as the serious? Do I take a break from online dating for a bit? I doubt I'll meet anyone offline as I work with mostly women and my friends and social contacts all seem to be married these days. Is there a way to bring the joy and fun back into the process of online dating without sacrificing who I am and what I want? What do you think readers?

A much better catch...

I just got an email from my summer fling on one of the dating websites I use offering to give me tips on improving my profile. We've stayed in touch as friends though it hasn't always been easy. I initially thought there could be something much more potent and powerful between us and was very excited about him and the possibility of a relationship with him. He was interested in spending time with me but not interested in something more serious. Luckily I've been able to see him more clearly since we stopped seeing each other romantically and I have a better understanding of why it didn't/couldn't work for us to have the kind of relationship I would have preferred.

The email read:

if you are interested in my providing you with feedback on how you might improve your profile, feel free to let me know. i think you are a much better catch than this profile lets on. :-)

My initial response to this email was to feel a bit insulted. I've worked hard on that profile and have put quite a bit of thought into it. I was also hurt because some small part of me still hoped that he would realize how great I was and want to date me again (though when I think about this logically it would be a bad idea.) After thinking it over for a few hours, I have come to the conclusion that I should probably ask for his suggestions. He is trying to help after all and I don't have to actually make the changes if I don't agree with them. Something about it though does rub me the wrong way. What do you think? Would you feel differently if you were in my situation?

Dating Fat as a Radical Act

Love and the search for it is really what this blog is about. I'm dating because I want to be loved for who I am now, in this body, with all my flaws and foibles as well as all the good things about me and also because I want to love someone that way.

As most who will read this probably already know, this past week has been an interesting one in the fat-o-sphere related to love. It all began with the brouhaha about the fat hating column on Marie Clare's web page by Maura Kelly. I initially found the article really disturbing. It made me sad to read her words about being disgusted by people's bodies and suggestions that it wasn't OK to put them being affectionate with one another on TV. Reading all the responses of the fat blogging community has helped. It is so nice to know that there are many people out there who have my back, who will stand up and say "You can not talk to us like that. You are wrong and here is why."

The article was disturbing because it put into print much of what we all knew some people were thinking but rarely making explicit. I know that there are many folks out there who don't like how my body looks, who wouldn't want to touch me because they have in their heads that rolls and larger bodies are somehow inherently disgusting. Most people try to hide this idea in polite society, but we know it is there. I do sometimes wonder where this comes from because if I look at it objectively, my fat parts are actually kind of nice to touch. They're soft and squishy like a stuffed animal or a nice pillow. I'm great to lean up against while watching a movie or to snuggle up to in bed. Large breasts are primarily composed of fat and lots of people want to touch those. Perhaps people are afraid that fat bodies are smelly but I know that I smell pretty darn good most of the time.

I know some folks say it's associated with health but I just don't buy that. Mariane Kirby wrote in her response in the Guardian that,

If you want people to be healthy, you don't want to deny them love and affection. You don't want to deny them the freedom to walk around in public going about their lives. When you want people to be healthy, you don't dehumanise them. And you certainly don't use a media platform to discuss how aesthetically displeasing it is to encounter them, even in ways that don't require interaction.

Perhaps the revulsion comes from the fact that fat has been so closely linked with "sick" in the cultural discourse. Are people afraid they might catch our disease? Kelly's assertion that she would also be disgusted watching a drunk or a heroin addict touches on the association with somehow being out of control which I think scares some people. Perhaps seeing fat people out and about, living lives in the world, implies that those bodies have not been properly policed by society. These are people who are refusing to hide away from the world just because they have not been able to mold their bodies into the "right" shape. They are radical just for stepping out into the world fat and radical threatens the status quo.

Dating a fat person is also a radical act, a resistance to the cultural messages that tell you who you should love and often a resistance to your friends and family who might not be fully supportive of you dating someone whose body is not the culturally accepted norm. Unfortunately there are people in this world who will make fun of you for dating a fat person, who will try to make you feel less than for who you love. I know that I am risking being the object of that as someone putting myself out there to try to date.

To that end, I'm so happy to see that Lesley Kinsel has started adding to the Museum of Fat Love (MOFL) again on Tumblr. This site is an inspiration for me and a message to those like Kelly who are living with unexplored fat hatred. This site is a reminder that the dating I'm doing can lead to something beautiful. I am aspiring to be part of this museum someday, to have a photo with someone with love shining out of our eyes at each other and a little story below explaining how we met and how happy we are now.

I will have a partner someday who will love me just as I am and who I can love in the same way and it will be good.

Ingrid Michaelson "The Way I Am" Video

Balance and Boundaries

I was talking to a friend this afternoon about how many of the online dating profiles we see say something like "I don't need a partner to complete me..." or "I don't need a relationship but would like to have one if it came along." This message is present in magazine articles and self help books that purport to give advice to those looking for love and is also common in the conversations I have with friends about dating, especially with married or partnered friends.

I understand where the "you must be a complete person on your own" trope comes from though I've certainly seen very needy people end up in good relationships. I feel that I am a "complete person," (whatever that means) but I really do want and even perhaps need to have an intimate partnership with someone. I know that I function better when I have a partner, someone else who is invested in the day-to-day world with me. I think this is partly due to the fact that I'm a very social person. I am happiest when I'm around other people and fun times with family and friends are actually re-charging for me.

If I have a partner, some of that need is met in the course of everyday activities. We have interesting conversations while we do the dishes or we can chat about that interesting show we just saw on TV, and I know that I'll have plans on Saturday night without having to put much effort into planning them out ahead of time. When I'm single, I have to spend more time and energy making sure that my social needs get met. Energy that could otherwise be put into work or other activities. There's also the energy that gets expended in the quest for partnership, the management of the online dating process and the emotional energy invested in meeting new people and trying to figure out new dynamics. When that is a settled area in my life, I am more productive at work and just plain happier.

My most recent dating adventures have involved a man who was lacking some important boundaries. He too recognized his need for a partner, but he wanted someone who could help him with his overwhelming work as much, if not more, than he wanted a romantic partner. He runs a charity organization that is trying to help people in Africa. He is incredibly passionate about this work and has given up much in his own life to try to help the people there. He gave up a high powered job, a large income, and all of his personal savings as well as almost all of his free time for the past few years. He said that he had recently realized that he needed to re-balance his life and decided that finding partnership might be the way to do it. We had two very nice dates where we shared interesting stories and discovered that we had much in common. My instincts were telling me though that he was so invested in this charity as to have little room left for a life for himself. My instincts were right. At the end of our third date he began to tell me a story about a certain child who needed medical care. It was a heart wrenching story and unfortunately it is something that is happening every day. This story was different though because it was in the village he has agreed to help and as such he was giving everything he had to help this child. He had already spent over $5,000 and needed more, more which he did not have.

He asked me to help, to donate myself and to reach out to my friends and family to help as well. It was a very difficult situation. My heart was of course touched by the story but I felt as if this had violated the social contract implicit in an early date between two virtual (no pun intended) strangers. I just wasn't ready to ask for money from those I know based solely on a story he told. I told him I needed time to think about it and that seemed to upset him. He said that when people said they needed time it usually meant that they were going to say no (which he may have been right about) and that this was a life and death situation for this child. Though I do not doubt that he is doing the work he said and that this was a real story of a child in need, I began to doubt why this man was dating me, why he was saying the flattering things he said. I began to think that there might be part of him who saw a successful single woman and thought perhaps I could be a financial help to him and his cause. It was not a pleasant feeling.

These two conversations have me thinking about balance and boundaries. The balance between needing and wanting a partner and creating a life that is fulfilling without that partnership and the boundaries between work and personal life, including dating. How do you maintain those boundaries when your work is something that is integral to who you are? How about when your being or not being in a partnership affects how much you have to give to your work?

Back in the game...but not the best match.

I went on a date last night. My first one in quite some time. It was with a guy who had contacted me through the chat feature on the site I have my profile on. We chatted once then talked on the phone a few times. I had some reservations as we didn't seem like a great match but he convinced me to meet him for coffee.

We met last night at nine at the local coffee shop. I was pleasantly surprised by his appearance as I thought he was more attractive than his online photo appeared. He is short. I had worn a short heel and was taller than him. I know this would bother some women but I don't mind short men personally. He has an interesting job and the date started well with some conversation about our work. Unfortunately it soon turned to talk about dating and he spent most of the date telling me what's wrong with "girls" and how hard dating is for men. His major complaint was that women wouldn't give him enough of an explanation for not wanting to go out with him and would only tell him once they became "defensive." He felt this was happening in real life and online. He was insistent that dating is harder for men than women and that "girls" are disrespectful and rude. Once he got started on this topic he got very animated and went on and on while ignoring my cues that I wanted to join the conversation. It was about a 30 minute monologue. I later gently pointed out to him that spending most of a date complaining about women who didn't respond "properly" while you were out with one who did respond was probably not the best strategy for success but I'm not sure he was able to hear me. I don't think he ended up liking me much either, he seemed to want someone who would agree with him about these ideas. When I challenged some of them he told me that he's talked to other "girls" who agree with him so I must not really understand.

I left the date and stopped in at my local bar when I had a nice conversation with one of the regulars who always hits on me. I agreed to meet him for a drink downtown next week as a friend so that was a pleasant outcome for a rather disappointing night.

Dry Spell

Well I'm going through quite a dry spell. I have had very little action on my online dating profile lately. I made some changes a few weeks ago and have apparently scared off all the men!

The main thing I changed was that I put the information that I plan to leave Los Angeles in Fall 2011 on there. I framed it as an important fact because it does relate to dating. It makes dating a really different proposition right now. There's an expiration date on my time here and so if I meet someone great we're going to have to deal with that fact. I might be able to be convinced to stay in the area if the right group of circumstances came about but I am pretty determined to get back East so I can be closer to my family. I also changed my pictures, but I'm hoping that's not why nobody is biting.

What do you all think? Should I leave this information off? Reveal it later after I meet someone? Is it too much honesty to include it on my profile? Or does this mean I just shouldn't be trying to date? I do want companionship and I really enjoy the process of dating so I don't feel like I should have to give it up entirely. Any ideas?

I'm also curious for those of you who have done some online dating, did you search out and approach many men? I usually don't because I've often had many writing to me but since that's stopped I'm wondering if I should be putting out more feelers. The site I'm using doesn't have a space for people to specify the body type they're looking for which makes me more reluctant to reach out. I'm a bit afraid that some men might react negatively to my approaching them.

Recycled Dates

I've been dipping into the recycling bin again. Spending time with two guys who I've dated in the past. Now this wouldn't be a problem except that these are guys that I have decided are not good choices for me. They fill a need though, a need for male companionship and a little bit of touch, a need to be seen as desirable and worth spending time with. And frankly, it's easy. They don't demand much and they give me that little buzz I can get off having a nice evening with a man.

But, neither of them is really emotionally available or a good match for me. The first is beautiful and a great lover but he doesn't want anything more than to be fuck buddies. Now that can be fun, but it really isn't what I'm looking for in my life right now. I know that if I let that happen regularly with him, I limit myself from looking for that something more that I really do want.

The second is wildly inconsistent. He can be sweet and helpful and act as if he adores me one day but then the next he is distant and shut down. We've tried dating a few times and each time it ends after just a few weeks when he withdraws then accuses me of "going crazy" when I call him on his massive mood shift. I've told him that our contact has to be on a purely friendship level, but it's tough not to slip back into cuddling and acting like we're on a date when I am so craving touch in my life right now and he's in one of his sweet phases.

I know that neither of these choices are right for me yet I continue to go back to them, I continue to reach out for that temporary satisfaction of feeling like I'm with someone even though I know it's not a good long term choice. This weekend I slipped back to them because I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I'm coming to terms with the ending of my summer romance and I'm a bit sad that the man from New Jersey doesn't seem to want to be with me enough to step outside of his comfort zone, to try something different with me-to give long distance a go even though we both know that wouldn't be easy. I've also been in the middle of a conflict with my brother that has been very hurtful. He put me in a very difficult position regarding his girlfriend (who I struggle to get along with) while I was visiting and I didn't handle it very well. I've apologized and tried to figure out how to make amends but he's not a great communicator and being 3,000 miles away doesn't exactly help. Overall, I've been feeling unheard and undervalued by the men around me so I went looking this weekend for someone to listen.

I think one of the toughest parts of being single when one doesn't want to be is not having someone to be really vulnerable with. I've never been great at showing people when I'm hurt or having a difficult time. It takes me a long time to achieve a level of intimacy with someone where I can reveal that. I am lucky to have some wonderful friends and I can reach out to them, but it's just not the same as having a partner, someone who has committed to be there with you through the tough stuff.

The Technique-Fat Folks Flirting 101

I've been back from vacation a week and though work is going well, I'm missing my family and friends that I spent those two weeks with. I went out for a drink with a friend last night to help cheer myself up and there was a cute fellow at the bar who kept shyly smiling at me. It felt like he was interested, but I was talking to my friend and just didn't have the energy to give him the encouragement he needed to come over and say hello. This morning I am somewhat regretting that.

I have what I consider a practically fool-proof method for getting someone* who has a bit of interest to come by when you're out at a bar. I've taught it to a few friends and it's good for when you're looking to meet someone. I find that even if people are interested, they're often too shy to come over without a little bit of encouragement. Some of course are bold enough to just approach or to send a drink your way, but for those that need a little help, this is what I do.

First, look for eye contact. If he's interested he'll be looking your way. If you've had a few of those brief fleeting eye contact moments and he hasn't come by (and you want him to) use The Technique. Now this is uncomfortable for most people at first. It violates a few unspoken social rules but it does so in a way that lets him know clearly that you'll welcome him into a conversation. Try it sometime, it's good to do things that scare you. I've rarely had it fail when I've been bold enough to use it and I've talked many friends through it with great results. I'm kind of known as a great flirt among my friends; they find it amusing.

The next time you catch his eye, hold it for about two seconds. This feels like forever so you may want to count "1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi" in your head (counting it aloud would probably have the opposite effect than what you're looking for ;0). When you get to 2, smile gently. Then raise your chin up in a tiny little nod, bring it back down and turn back to your friend or to another part of the room. When I'm talking a friend through it (it works best if she's turned toward me and he's behind me) I say, "Catch his eye, Hold it... smile... and nod and turn." This often results in the recipient getting the bartender and sending us some drinks or in him coming over immediately to say hello. The smile shows him you're friendly and the little nod gives him a subtle "yes" to approach. Now if all else fails and you're really interested you can always go over and just say hello, but this is a fun way to let him think it was all his idea. I've done this at several different body sizes (including my current size 24) and had it work beautifully so don't let your fat stop you from flirting!

Good luck, let me know if you try it.

*I've only ever tried this with a woman as the one doing the technique but it does work for women attracting men and women attracting women. I'm not sure that it would work in most interactions for a man to attract a woman (it might read as creepy but I'm not sure) I do assume it would work for a man who was interested in another man as well. I've used "he/him/his" in my examples simply because that's often the way I've used this little strategy and I find "he/she" overly clumsy.

Snoring and Sleeping with a New Partner

So we've established that dating is fraught with challenges for everyone but being a fat woman is associated with a few extra challenges. One of those for me is a bit of new challenge. In the last year I've started snoring. Now snoring is not exclusively a problem for the fat folks, but it is definitely associated with large neck circumference (which I have) and weight gain (which I did).

I've never been a great sleeper but in the last 6 months my sleep has gotten horrible. I've been stressed about work and I started waking up gasping on a frequent basis. My throat and chest were often sore and I was constantly tired.

I saw a doctor who specializes in sleep problems first in late May. He noted that I have a delayed phase sleep disorder and he was concerned about obstructive sleep apnea. He recommended a sleep study which I had at the beginning of July along with a program to help me shift my sleep pattern. He recommended that I stop exercising in the evenings which may be helping me sleep but I'm struggling with getting in the workouts that I know make me feel good overall.

So that brings us to the snoring. From my previous post, you know that I've spent a few nights this summer with someone new. The first night I hardly slept so snoring wasn't an issue. On the second visit, snoring became a bit of a problem. I find the fact that I snore very embarrassing. I'm not sure why because it's not really something I can control. I think the fact that it's new for me and I don't really have strategies makes it even more difficult. I just didn't know what to do about it. Luckily he was very understanding and though we did spend some time sleeping apart we were also able to make some time sleeping together work which was nice. I had the second part of my sleep study last night because the first one did reveal that I was having severe apnea in REM sleep. I'll be getting a CPAP machine and I got to try it out last night. I already sleep with a tooth guard because I grind my teeth so this is just going to add to my sexy quotient. I guess it's going to take a special guy to want to sleep with me and all my appliances!

Anybody out there dating with a CPAP? Or just as someone who snores? Got any tips? I guess there's not much I can do besides pull it all out once we get to that point and if we're comfortable enough to be sleeping together, I should be comfortable enough to put on my anti-snoring/keep breathing mask.

Some part of me hopes that I'm going to magically lose some weight by getting better sleep. The doctor mentioned that sleep apnea is associated with weight gain but that the data isn't clear on which causes which. He said he doesn't recommend that his patients try to lose weight before having a CPAP because apnea messes with the hormones related to weight control. I'm trying to remember all of my fat acceptance stuff and to love this body I'm in, but old habits related to the Fantasy of Being Thin still slip in every now and then. I do think getting back to regular yoga practice with it's focus on healthy breath work might be a very good thing for sleep apnea and I know it always makes me feel great as well.

Update: I just remembered that Coleen over at The Pretty Pear has been dealing with some similar issues (though she's not relating them to dating). Worth taking a look at her posts here and here if you suspect you might have apnea or another sleep disorder. She also links to the Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder information which I tucked in above.

Summer Romance

So I haven't been here as much as I'd expected partly because I found myself a little summer romance. I met a man at a wedding out of town at the beginning of July and found myself fascinated with him. Well it wasn't quite an immediate fascination, but almost. We met at the rehearsal dinner on the Friday night before the Saturday evening wedding. I first assumed he was with the woman he was standing next to when we were introduced and then actually decided that he was gay once I deduced that he was not with her.

My expectations for meeting available men are obviously pretty low. He wears hoop earrings in both ears and leans toward the more sensitive side of masculine which were my false clues. I was missing what was apparently some very obvious flirting from his side though. He later told me that he wanted to kiss me within minutes of meeting me but I was completely unaware of his intentions. The dinner was a bit chaotic but we were both good friends of the groom and as such were heading out afterward for a "bachelor" party for him. It was very mellow and mostly consisted of drinking milkshakes and playing a card game at a cafe (Give me the Brain which I highly recommend for a fun group game.) He invited me to ride with him between venues and we got a chance to talk about the myriad of things we have in common. When we went to take a group picture at the end of the evening Earrings, as we'll call him from here on out, stood next to me and put his arm around me. I was still completely clueless, but looking back at the photo it's clear that he's interested in me. While everyone else looks forward into the camera he's smiling down at the top of my head. After the photo he asked me what I was doing the following day since the wedding wasn't until the evening. I replied that I'd planned to just explore the city a bit and maybe find somewhere pretty to read my book. He suggested we meet for lunch and to watch the world cup match between Spain and Paraguay and I agreed, still completely oblivious to his romantic intentions. My first clue actually came later that night when he sent me a few flirty text messages saying how much he enjoyed meeting me.

The next day we met for lunch/match watching in the restaurant of my hotel. I was unsure about what the sub-context was but I put on my favorite pretty top and decided to just embrace whatever it was. I knew that I liked him quite a bit and we did have an amazing amount in common. Knowing he was a friend of my good friend didn't hurt either. I was waiting at a table in the restaurant (it was completely packed because of the match and I'd grabbed the last table.) When he arrived he gave me a great hug and then stood next to my tall chair for several minutes. Lunch went really well and we watched the match and chatted. When we finished up I suggested that we go for a walk. He agreed and we were headed out the door when my phone rang. It was the groom asking for a favor. He had sent two of our mutual friends out on an errand near my hotel which was near the wedding location. He and most other people involved in the wedding were staying about an hour away. He was wondering if they could use my room to get ready in before the wedding. I of course agreed but there was a small catch. They had already left and were going to be heading my way but they didn't have a cell phone and the groom wasn't sure how long the errand was going to take them. They could be arriving anytime within the next 2-3 hours. They had been to my hotel room the day before to pick me up for the rehearsal and dinner so they knew which room I was in.

So Earrings and I now had a dilemma. We had to wait around my hotel room. Now this is a bit awkward with someone you have known for less than 24 hours but suspect of being romantically interested. I explained the situation and he suggested that we just go hang out in the room. What else could we really do?

Now this was not a large hotel room. It was very nice but the space was just big enough for the bed, a desk, and one chair next to the window. We sat up there and talked, him on the bed and me on the desk chair. I showed him some things on my laptop and we compared notes on the large number of people that we both know. We marveled a bit on how we hadn't met before this and eventually he used one of the oldest and most obvious ploys in the book for getting to touch me and suggested a back rub. I agreed, knowing exactly what it was leading up to and sat in front of him on the bed. He did get a few minutes of good neck and shoulder rubbing in before he leaned over and kissed me. It was a good kiss. He then told me that he'd been wanting to do that since he first met me the night before and we moved promptly into making out like teenagers. Now I knew that at any moment this couple could show up so I didn't let things go on for too long. I got up and went to comb my hair and such and just as I did they arrived. I felt a bit like I had a naughty secret.

We all got ready for the wedding and headed over to it soon after. The location was stunningly beautiful and the groom sent Earrings and I on an emergency errand just before the ceremony began. It was fun running around with him trying to solve a problem. We sat next to each other during the ceremony and were actually seated at the same table for dinner afterward. Well actually it was a picnic blanket which was even more fun. He brought me drinks and acted like my date for the entirety of the wedding evening and then he asked if I wanted to hang out afterward. Now I knew this probably meant that we'd end up back at my hotel room and I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I really liked him but that was moving pretty fast for me. We talked about it a little and decided that since our time together was so short we'd play it by ear. Oh I've forgotten to mention the big challenge in all of this. He lives on the East coast and I'm in Los Angeles. He quickly expressed that though he liked me a lot he wasn't interested in a long distance relationship. I was a little bit disappointed but decided that I wanted to explore whatever this was, even if it was just going to be a short summer fling. He did end up spending the night and we spent the entire next day together. We went to a brunch on a houseboat for the newlyweds, took a nap on a blanket in a park and talked and talked. He drove me to the airport for my evening flight and left me with some wonderful kisses and the promise of staying in touch.

We have stayed in touch and I actually got to spend four more days with him last week. I was visiting my family in upstate NY and he drove up to visit for a few days. We spent two days alone at a place on a lake and two days with friends and my family. We talked again about possibilities for the future but he is quite sure that he can't do long distance and is even questioning his readiness for a relationship at all right now (he's 2 years out of a marriage and 3 years into a PhD so he's feeling a bit off center I think). I have been planning on moving back East in fall 2011 so the possibility seems real to me that we may end up together at some point but for now I'm just filing this away as a wonderful summer experience that has restored my hope in real connections with men. I am going to continue dating and we're going to keep in touch. We will probably see each other New Year's Eve as he's been invited by some other friends to a long running party that I always attend.

Dating for the Big Girl

Plumcake over at Manolo for the Big Girl has taken on another dating question, this one from the comments of the post I mentioned previously. Go check out her fun post encouraging her reader to start dating.

It seems that a lot of people find themselves in the position of starting dating again when they haven't done so for a bit. Sometimes that bit was a marriage or a long term relationship, sometimes it's just a break from the dating world, and some people never really managed to jump in at all. Starting anything new is scary but here are a few tips I would share as an experienced dater. Hopefully Jane from Plumcake's post will be ready to put herself back into the dating world soon.

Some online dating basics:

For most people, online dating is a great way to get access to a wide pool of possible dates. If you are thinking about starting dating again, I'd highly recommend joining one of the big dating websites. I've used most of them and have had varying luck on each. Match.com seems to be the most broadly used. It's a pay based site but the fees are pretty reasonable. I also like OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish which are both free sites. I did not have a good experience with eHarmony but it was several years ago and I know many people have found it helpful. I've briefly used two sites that are devoted to fat people, Large and Lovely and BBW Personals Plus both of which you also have to pay to use. Before you join any pay based site I'd recommend doing as much research as you can about them. Most will let you search for matches but not contact them before you pay. Do some searches for people in your area and age range. Look on the profiles for the date that people were last active. I've noticed that there are lots of online dating profiles out there that people don't seem to be actively using. It benefits the site to keep the profile there even if the user isn't active because it looks as if there are more dating possibilities.

1. Create your profile. Try to be as honest and authentic as you can be. This is not about fooling someone into going on a date with you. It's about showing people who you are and what you're looking for so that you can figure out if you are a good enough match. Of course you will highlight the positive but don't make shit up! Tell people what's special about you. Think about why the people who love you now love YOU? What do your friends like about you? Ask them if you don't know. Talk about the things you really like to do, not the things you wish you liked to do. Feel free to read other people's profiles for some inspiration, but don't just copy them. Reach inside and figure out who you are and what you want from this dating experience and then put it out there. Proofread and spell check obsessively. No need to give people a silly reason to be put off by your profile.

2. Add a picture. Profiles with pictures get more attention. There's something about being able to put a face to the words that matters. Choose a picture that makes you look friendly and approachable. I really prefer a photo with a smile but I'm not sure how other people feel about this; the men who message me and have a photo without a smile always read as serial killers to me-but I'm not sure that's typical! Readers, what do you think of this? Make sure it's a recent photo. If you don't have any photos of yourself, grab a friend and a digital camera and go take a few somewhere that you like to go. Do not take one of yourself in your bathroom mirror and unless you're only looking for sex keep your clothes on. If you're not much of a photographer (and neither is your friend) take a whole bunch of pictures. Try some with the flash and without, zoom in more for a few, take some from above and some from the side. If you're outdoors, try to take some in the late afternoon or early evening when the light gets really pretty. Turn and face different directions to take advantage of the light. Inside, turn different lights on and off, even in adjacent rooms. Light some candles to add a softer glow. Throw a scarf over a lamp if it seems just a little too bright. Wear something that makes you feel good.

Start thinking about having a camera with you when you do things that you enjoy, even if it's just dinner out with a friend ask her to snap a picture of you sitting with your glass of wine. Start getting more pictures of yourself. You'll get more comfortable looking at them and there will be more good ones for your profile to choose from. It feels a little narcissistic sometimes but I think it will help you feel better about your body and to begin to see your body in a more neutral way. I still have times when I hate a picture of myself but I like many more of them now that I take more. Show all of your pictures to a friend and ask them to pick the ones they like best. Try showing them to a person of the gender that you would like to date. If possible put up a few shots including one that shows your full body. If you end up dating a person from the site they are going to see you eventually. If they're the kind of person who is comfortable or even prefers a fat body the picture will just show that you're comfortable being honest about the body you have. If a fat body is a dealbreaker for them, you won't have to worry about revealing it later when you've already started to form a little hopeful attachment.

If the whole picture process feels torturous to you, start looking at more pictures of fat bodies looking good. Make yourself look even if it makes you uncomfortable. Try to look without judgment or let yourself judge but then look at your own judgments critically. Is there something inherently unpleasant about a fat stomach? Or could it be that you've been taught to believe that? Is back fat really the end of the world? Check out Adipositivity and the Fatshionista Live Journal Community for pictures of mostly women and/or Men in Full for pictures of fat men (Adipositivity and Men in Full include nudity and may not be safe for work).

Put it up and see what happens. As many of you already know, no kind of dating is all easy and a online dating has it's fair share of challenging bits but there are also good things to be had and I think it's one of the best ways to get yourself back in the game.