Surrounded By Love

This weekend I went to the wedding of two very good friends. I was in fact, blessed to be able to perform the ceremony for them. I'm not ordained, but they got married at a chapel in Vegas where there was a minister to do the official declaring them married part afterward as they signed their marriage license. I got to lead them in sharing their vows with each other, exchanging rings, and a flower binding ceremony with their respective children. It was so touching to hear them express their amazing love for one another and to be part of the ritual that marked their formation of a new family.

Now what does this have to do with this blog? Well both my friends are fat and both of them are beautiful. He's a lifelong vegetarian, artist, and one of the kindest men I know. She's sassy and strong and amazingly loyal to those she loves. She looked absolutely gorgeous in her white dress with black accents and he was so handsome in his dark suit and purple tie. I thought he might burst with happiness and the love and joy shining from his eyes all through the ceremony was amazing. I felt really lucky to have the intimate view of their commitment as we stood before their friends and family. And it was inspiring as a fat woman looking for love.

The reception was interesting for me in that there were actually quite a few single men there (unusual in my experience of weddings). Several of the groom's friends are single and I have hung out with some of them before (and actually been on dates with two of them in the past) and there was another fellow who I just felt an amazing instant chemistry with. It turned out that though he was there by himself, he is "loosely partnered"  and I later found out from my friends is actually expecting a baby. Not really a great potential match for me, but oh boy, it was fun to dance and flirt with him! In the end, even with all those single fellows about, I spent the night in my hotel room alone.

Sometimes weddings make me sad. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who hasn't been able to find a strong and enduring love.  And dang it, I want the pretty dress and someone vowing to be my partner. I want to love and be loved in return. I want the celebration with all my nearest and dearest and I want the joy of having someone choose to create a family with me.

Luckily, somehow this weekend I didn't feel the negative side of those desires. I didn't have the ugly tint of envy washing over the joy of celebrating my friends' happiness. This weekend I felt the love of my friends surrounding me, I felt the power of the many beautiful loves I have in my life even though I do not have that primary partner that so much of our society concentrates on as bringing meaning to life. I still want those things but I was at peace with where I am now, at peace with the knowledge that I am surrounded by love even if it doesn't look the way I expected it would.

Edited because paragraph breaks are important and I thought you might enjoy seeing a picture from the wedding.

Coloring Bodies Like Mine In Spaaaaace!

Yesterday a box arrived at my door. Inside were four copies of Nicole Lorenz's new coloring book, Fat Ladies in Spaaaaace. I saw it mentioned on The Rotund and just had to have a copy. I knew I wanted to give at least one copy away and Amazon has a buy three get one free deal so I ordered four. After I got home last night from a beer tasting party to benefit my UU church I sat down and colored a few pages.


I love seeing these images of women with bodies like mine doing the things I love to read about and imagine. What a gift Nicole Lorenz has given those of us without the ability to draw such things by making our fantasies come to life in such a fun way!

As I was coloring the tummy of the Diva below, I realized how I could fully see this body type as beautiful now which I'm not sure I could have a year or two ago. This is still impacting changes in how I dress and how I date. I am no longer petrified that the lump of my belly may show too prominently in an outfit. I don't think "yuck" when I look at that part of my body (most of the time anymore) and I don't mind if it is highlighted a little bit by the clothes I have on. I am so much nicer to my physical self.



Nicole is also having a coloring contest and one of the prizes is for her to do one of her drawings of you in this style!!! I can not imagine how cool that would be to have. I probably don't have the talent for coloring (or the technical know-how to do it on the computer) to win but hey a gal can dream!

So go download a few sample pages from the website and order your copy/copies on Amazon. I highly recommend getting your color on with these, they are FABULOUS!

Checking the Fat Box

One of the challenges of online dating while fat is choosing which euphemism to represent your body size.

The choices on one popular site are:

No answer
Slender
About average
Athletic and toned
Heavyset
A few extra pounds
Stocky
Big and beautiful
Curvy
Full figured

The choices on another are:

Rather not say
Thin
Overweight
Skinny
Average
Fit
Athletic
Jacked
A little extra
Curvy
Full figured
Used up

There just aren't words there that I want to use. Overweight implies that I should be a different weight and I'm over it. Curvy is something I am, but I don't like how it's used as a euphemism for fat bodies. Many people are curvy and fat many are curvy and not fat. I'm not all that fond of Big and beautiful but it feels like the best bet sometimes because I think it most closely represents my body in a way that folks will recognize from the popularity of the BBW shorthand. I sometimes use Full figured but it leaves me feeling a bit dissatisfied. I'm not sure what I'd like there. I wish that I didn't need to choose. I've always included a full body photo so folks can judge for themselves whether my body is going to be something they could be attracted to.

For those of you who on-line date, what descriptors are you using? Do you feel frustrated by the choices? What other options might you like to see?

Breaking Out of My Shell

I've opened up a can of worms. It all started when, based on the conversations I'd had with the Summer Fling, I realized that I needed a new online dating profile. I needed to shake up my old profile and make it more fun. This led to the realization that in fact I need to shake up my life and make it more fun. The more I thought about my current profile, the more I've realized that it is actually reflecting my current life. My life has gotten boring. My work is intense and interesting to a point but I don't want my life to be all about my work. I find it stimulating but it doesn't fulfill me. I've always prided myself on keeping my life interesting, of doing fun things with fun people but somehow lately I've lost that spark.

It's time to make a plan for more fun, more adventures, more excitement, more playfulness, more ME. I am more than my work. I need to make sure that is reflected in the things I'm doing, the places I'm going and the people I'm spending time with yet I'm not sure how to make that happen.

I feel like I need to explore some more of what makes me who I am. I've spent a lot of time trying to be what other people expect. I did all the things I was told to do and now I find myself waiting for the rewards I was told I would receive. For some reason, those rewards didn't show up. There's no husband and babies when I expected that I would have them. I've been good but Santa seems to have skipped over my chimney. I've made the lists, I've taken the classes, read the relationship books, worked with coaches and therapists, I've visualized and believed with all my heart that I would have that life but here I am, 35 and still single and childless. I've got a PhD but am not sure I want the career that goes along with it. I'm not so young and not exactly the classic definition of pretty and now somehow I've managed to become boring...how did this happen?

I feel like I've flirted with the edges of some worlds that might hold interest for me but I can't quite get into them. I've recently discovered that I'm more of a geek than I knew. I've always been interested in sci-fi/fantasy to a certain degree, I stumbled across the work of Anne McCaffrey and Piers Anthony as a teenager but didn't figure out where to go next with it. I loved stories about dragons and unicorns and psychic powers. I discovered a show called Quantum Leap and loved it but I didn't know anyone else who liked these things. I wanted to fit in, to be liked by the other kids at school and I never found a group who I really fit with. I was also fairly oblivious. There were probably other kids around who liked what I liked but I didn't see them. I was smart and I liked to sing and these things fit with the groups I could find. I had friends but we didn't really have deep connections. I'm friends now with a few of them on Facebook but we don't really stay in touch. No one in my family liked the geeky things either. I was working so hard to avoid the negative judgments of others, the judgments related to my body and my bookishness. I was afraid to be different in any more ways than those. Now as an adult I've explored it a little bit more and I've discovered a bunch of things I really love, the books of Neil Gaiman and Dr. Who being two of them. Yet I don't know how to engage further in that world. I feel stuck. I read all those books and watched all the new Dr. Who episodes but how do I find other people who are interested in these things? I feel like I'm behind, like those who are engaged in that world all started when they were teenagers and now here I am in my mid-thirties, just admitting that I like this stuff. Just looking to connect over these things, just starting to explore these worlds.

Another world I've flirted with is the arty/hippie world. I went to Burning Man twice, met some amazing people, LOVED dressing up and the theme events, enjoyed the art, but was shy about the drugs, not wanting to admit my inexperience and naivete and being too afraid to try things that I didn't really understand. I couldn't fully engage with the open sexuality there. I got scared, backed off and just felt envious of those who were able to open themselves up to it. I feel like I've really repressed my sexuality. I've always been intrigued by a much more open sexual world, more kink, more exploration but again, I've been afraid. Afraid I don't have the right body for it, afraid others will laugh at the fat woman who wants to be a sexual creature. I used to like talking about sex with people. I've always been fascinated by what's out there though I've felt afraid of getting into a situation where I didn't know what I was doing. I've lost a bit of the thrill in my sex life in the last few years because I haven't had a consistent, playful partner. I don't even know how to describe it, but I've been afraid to explore my sexuality, afraid of doing it wrong, afraid that it's too late to explore, afraid I'll offend someone, afraid that I'll end up being a slut full of uncontrollable desires and unmet needs, afraid that I'll ruin my chances of living this life I thought I was on the path to with the good job and the family. The life that isn't happening anyway but somehow this is a threat to it.

Another community (and one that I suspect may overlap with some of the others) are the folks who play online games and go to Renaissance Fairs but with all of these, I can't quite figure out how to gain entry, I feel like I need someone to give me a tour and show me the way, to say "Hey, come with me and try this out." Why can't I just do it myself? I am still afraid.

I've spent so long repressing my true desires and worrying about what others think that I am having trouble digging into that space inside myself. By covering it all up and trying to be who I thought I should be, I think I've lost what makes me interesting. I think I've hidden the things that could have really allowed me to connect with someone. I've pasted on this papier-mâché Kim that has covered up the light of who I really am. I want to let that light out. I want to explore these sides of myself without fear. Without looking ignorant to both those inside and outside the communities, without fear of the consequences. I've lived too much of my life dictated by fear. I have a lot more light to radiate. I have to break free of this shell I've created. The funny thing though is that it's not about being fat. The shell isn't the fat girl hiding the thin girl who has always wanted out. The inner me is still a fat woman. She's just bolder and less afraid and she's much more interesting.

Edited to fix my many spelling errors.

Dry Spell

Well I'm going through quite a dry spell. I have had very little action on my online dating profile lately. I made some changes a few weeks ago and have apparently scared off all the men!

The main thing I changed was that I put the information that I plan to leave Los Angeles in Fall 2011 on there. I framed it as an important fact because it does relate to dating. It makes dating a really different proposition right now. There's an expiration date on my time here and so if I meet someone great we're going to have to deal with that fact. I might be able to be convinced to stay in the area if the right group of circumstances came about but I am pretty determined to get back East so I can be closer to my family. I also changed my pictures, but I'm hoping that's not why nobody is biting.

What do you all think? Should I leave this information off? Reveal it later after I meet someone? Is it too much honesty to include it on my profile? Or does this mean I just shouldn't be trying to date? I do want companionship and I really enjoy the process of dating so I don't feel like I should have to give it up entirely. Any ideas?

I'm also curious for those of you who have done some online dating, did you search out and approach many men? I usually don't because I've often had many writing to me but since that's stopped I'm wondering if I should be putting out more feelers. The site I'm using doesn't have a space for people to specify the body type they're looking for which makes me more reluctant to reach out. I'm a bit afraid that some men might react negatively to my approaching them.

Snoring and Sleeping with a New Partner

So we've established that dating is fraught with challenges for everyone but being a fat woman is associated with a few extra challenges. One of those for me is a bit of new challenge. In the last year I've started snoring. Now snoring is not exclusively a problem for the fat folks, but it is definitely associated with large neck circumference (which I have) and weight gain (which I did).

I've never been a great sleeper but in the last 6 months my sleep has gotten horrible. I've been stressed about work and I started waking up gasping on a frequent basis. My throat and chest were often sore and I was constantly tired.

I saw a doctor who specializes in sleep problems first in late May. He noted that I have a delayed phase sleep disorder and he was concerned about obstructive sleep apnea. He recommended a sleep study which I had at the beginning of July along with a program to help me shift my sleep pattern. He recommended that I stop exercising in the evenings which may be helping me sleep but I'm struggling with getting in the workouts that I know make me feel good overall.

So that brings us to the snoring. From my previous post, you know that I've spent a few nights this summer with someone new. The first night I hardly slept so snoring wasn't an issue. On the second visit, snoring became a bit of a problem. I find the fact that I snore very embarrassing. I'm not sure why because it's not really something I can control. I think the fact that it's new for me and I don't really have strategies makes it even more difficult. I just didn't know what to do about it. Luckily he was very understanding and though we did spend some time sleeping apart we were also able to make some time sleeping together work which was nice. I had the second part of my sleep study last night because the first one did reveal that I was having severe apnea in REM sleep. I'll be getting a CPAP machine and I got to try it out last night. I already sleep with a tooth guard because I grind my teeth so this is just going to add to my sexy quotient. I guess it's going to take a special guy to want to sleep with me and all my appliances!

Anybody out there dating with a CPAP? Or just as someone who snores? Got any tips? I guess there's not much I can do besides pull it all out once we get to that point and if we're comfortable enough to be sleeping together, I should be comfortable enough to put on my anti-snoring/keep breathing mask.

Some part of me hopes that I'm going to magically lose some weight by getting better sleep. The doctor mentioned that sleep apnea is associated with weight gain but that the data isn't clear on which causes which. He said he doesn't recommend that his patients try to lose weight before having a CPAP because apnea messes with the hormones related to weight control. I'm trying to remember all of my fat acceptance stuff and to love this body I'm in, but old habits related to the Fantasy of Being Thin still slip in every now and then. I do think getting back to regular yoga practice with it's focus on healthy breath work might be a very good thing for sleep apnea and I know it always makes me feel great as well.

Update: I just remembered that Coleen over at The Pretty Pear has been dealing with some similar issues (though she's not relating them to dating). Worth taking a look at her posts here and here if you suspect you might have apnea or another sleep disorder. She also links to the Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder information which I tucked in above.

Finding Fat Men Sexy: Culture, Gaze and the Male Body

This post started off as a comment on the post written by Plumcake from Manolo for the Big Girl called No Fat...Dudes? I ended up writing a post's worth in the comments so decided this was the better venue.

In that post, Plumcake asks whether she is a hypocrite because she has never dated a fat fellow hasn't historically dated fat fellows. I think this is a very interesting question. I've done a lot of dating and for a long time I too had never dated a fat man. In the fat-o-sphere I have the general impression that the message is:

"We don't want all men to find fat women fuckable because 'you're attracted to who you're attracted to' (YATWYAT) and that's fine. We just want you to respect the fact that some men are attracted to fat women and not deride them and us about it as if the possibility of wanting to have sex with us was unthinkable."

I think the message that our worth is not tied to whether you want to have sex with us is powerful and important but I think we may be doing the movement a bit of a disservice when we don't examine this more closely. The "YATWYAT" line is actually problematic. All of us are trained in this culture in many explicit and not-so-explicit kinds of ways to respond differently to different body types. We all absorb these messages even when we're trying to fight against them and I think it often takes vigilance and specific action to counteract the effects. Many women have to work to find their own bodies and bodies like theirs to be attractive and I think we need to do that same work with regards to the men we find attractive. So often the men presented to us in magazines, movies, and on TV as sexy or as objects of desire are very slim and muscular. Big and fat men are often presented as comic characters and often do get to be the love interest. When they are the love interest it's often in a role where the relationship is already established and they are not shown as an object of lust. This is doubly true for fat women in the mainstream media but this post is about the dudes!

A little over a year ago I decided to take on the project of retraining my eye to better appreciate the beauty and sex appeal of fat men. I had briefly dated a fat man and though I hadn't initially found him physically attractive I was attracted by other things and soon found myself physically interested in him. This conversion led me to realize that I'd been unfair and that I was missing out on a group of guys who might make great partners both in bed and in relationships so after we broke up I embarked on my gaze retraining project.

I was hesitant at first to even try because I believed the "YATWYAT" trope but I started seeking out images of fat men to see if it was possible to retrain my gaze. I'm happy to report that my project was a big success. I've been able to re-train my eyes to appreciate the sexiness of a variety of different male body types. One of my favorite resources for this has been the (often NSFW) blog Men in Full and the accompanying tumblr feed. The pictures of the men, sometimes nude and sometimes clothed and the commentary focusing on what made them sexy for the blogger there (sorry I can't find her name) helped me to start seeing these men differently and the fat men I run into in real life differently too.

Like Plumcake, I definitely didn't have a "no fat dudes" rule but I just didn't tend to notice them in the same way I did a more fit man. Men notice when you notice them. We put off subtle signals that give them the green light to flirt and I wasn't giving those signals to fat men so they weren't coming on to me. Now, over a year later, I notice big guys all the time and they often flirt with me. I've come to appreciate fat men like Jorge Garcia in a different way. I often saw his character on Lost as endearing but after this project I sometimes noticed that I wanted to jump Hurley's bones when he was on the screen in the same way I sometimes wanted to jump Sawyer's (Josh Holloway.)

Image copyright Fabrice www.biosstars.com

So my intrepid readers, what do you think about this? Have you dated fat men? Do you find them attractive in general? Have you changed what you find attractive or do you think it would be possible for you to do so?

Wonder Woman Dating

I adore this illustration by Alex Heberling. Check out the rest of her blog and look here for more fat Wonder Woman illustrations. I've always loved Wonder Woman and it's nice to see her look so joyful even though she's a big beautiful woman.

But back to the dating stories!

Sometimes I feel like it takes a superhero to keep at the internet dating. I've been juggling a few guys through chat programs and phone calls and a few more first dates. Keeping all the details straight is a lot of work. I'm thinking that I may need a database or to create files on each of them but I'm not really that organized of a person.

After a few more conversations with A from the previous post I decided that I definitely didn't want to go out with him again. He was really just interested in a sex partner both online and in person. I guess I should have expected that a bit since he came from Craigslist.

I had a brief first date with another guy last night. We met for a cup of coffee after conversing by email quite a bit. He was sweet and attractive and I enjoyed meeting him. He works many evenings so it's difficult to find a time to get together again. He wanted to see me tonight but I wouldn't agree to meet him after he got out at 11 pm. He wanted to come over here but I just wasn't comfortable with that and he couldn't come up with an alternative except walking around a closed park. That didn't seem like a great idea with a man that I've only met briefly once. I suggested that we make a plan for another night but he seemed unwilling to do so. Next I suggested lunch on the weekend but he said he had to practice his music and would be too busy. He was clearly disappointed that I wouldn't meet tonight. I thought about suggesting a bar or a diner but I was frustrated with his unwillingness to make a plan for the future. Is it asking too much to make plans for a date? I'm not looking for a fuck-buddy here so if you want to date me you're going to have to come up with a time we can meet in public or at least in the daylight.

I'm feeling like a bit of a fuddy-duddy (and maybe by using that word I'm proving that I am!) I am a fairly sexual person but it takes me a bit to get to a point where I'm comfortable in that realm and I have unfortunately had a few bad experiences that make me cautious about protecting myself when meeting people I don't know very well.

The work of online dating

Online dating is a LOT of work.

First I create a profile. I go over it a few times trying to make it interesting and authentic and to minimize the silly errors that are basically inevitable. Having done it a few times does give me some extra compassion when I'm reading the profiles of others. I choose a few photos: flattering but not unrealistic representations of what I look like. I'm not trying to trick anyone. I make sure I put a full body shot up. I hit submit and wait for approval by the service. A day or so later it begins...

The first wave: I get the initial feelers of interest. On the smaller site I'm using now this has been less than I've experienced before. This site is devoted to fat folks. I got 18 responses. The first was a man inquiring whether I am looking for a dominant/submissive relationship. I'm not so I move on. About half are men well outside what I consider an acceptable age range. I'm 34 so I gently hold to 26 to 44 as what I'll consider. If a profile really wows me but is outside the range I'll give him a chance. I read all the messages and look at all the profiles unless the message is completely out of line. I try to respond to anyone who writes a real response in some way even if it's only to tell them I'm not interested. Many of these responses are quick form responses which you don't have to be a paying member to send. I have not paid yet. I wanted to see what the responses were like first. I'm not sure what I will do. You can engage in email with paying members even if you haven't paid. I've had 5 real emails. I sort and respond favorably to the ones who catch my interest. Many are not local. I've decided to look beyond the LA area.

If anyone is reading this, let me know if this is similar to your experiences. Are you trying online dating? Do you want to but are worried? Have you tried a site that is devoted to fat folks?

Fat and Dating

Dating. It's something I've done an awful lot of in my 34 years. I've been in 3 long term relationships since I was 17 but I've also spent about six cumulative years single and I don't like to sit home alone. I've got some great stories and though my friends have heard most of them I feel like it might be time to write a few down.

I have very much enjoyed dating at times of my life and at other times it's felt like a huge chore. I'm certainly not a champion at relationships. I make mistakes and probably don't have the confidence that I should in putting myself out there but I'm re-committing to the process so I think it's time to bear (bare?) some witness to the struggles of being a fat woman dating.

I very much enjoyed the only other blog I've seen about fat women dating but she fell in love and started blogging about running (something I definitely don't enjoy) and I've felt like there's been a bit of a hole in the fatosphere ever since. So I guess I'm going to try to fill it.

Yesterday I posted a new personal ad on a site specifically devoted to larger people and considered posting another one. I've had ads up for years on the mainstream sites with various degrees of action coming from them. I've met some interesting people and even had a few short relationships start from them but obviously nothing that was right for the long haul and that's what I'm looking for. I want to be with someone for a long time to come. I want an everyday connection. I want the security of knowing that I am with someone I can trust. I want someone who can work with the flawed parts of me and appreciate the fantastic parts too.

So off I go...maybe just continuing to talk to myself but maybe someone else will take a little inspiration from here. Maybe there are some other fat women who would like a place to talk about all the trials and tribulations that come with dating as a fat woman. Maybe I will find some insight in the wilds of the web that will lead me down a different dating path.

Head Meets Body

If you haven't read it yet, check out this brilliant post by my favorite author Kate Harding over at Shapely Prose. The following quote in particular hits home for me:

“Which is one reason why exercise can seem like such a daunting task when you’re new to it. It means actually acknowledging your body and inhabiting it, instead of keeping your mind — the good part of you — comfortably separate from its housing.”

I once told my yoga instructor that she was responsible for re-attaching my head to my body. At some point in my childhood I had completely separated them and started mostly ignoring the parts below my neck. I had been a clumsy child who almost never succeeded at anything physical and though I was always interested in participating in those activities that others seemed to enjoy so much, I usually found the experience disheartening and so I focused completely on living through my mind. I read everything I could find and concentrated on establishing my worth based on my grades and my emotional responses to people. I got really, really nice.

Luckily a few years ago a friend dragged me to a yoga class and through the help of an amazing teacher, I suddenly started to realize that my body was there for more than just to give my brain a ride. I got strong and developed an awareness of my body that allowed me to move each part separately. The slow nature of the poses allowed me to use my brain to override my clumsiness and suddenly I was succeeding at something physical. It completely changed my life and even allowed me to start being less nice and being more real. I also found that when I was doing regular yoga I could succeed at other physical activities that had previously been out of my reach and I took up salsa dancing and got to have some of the most exhilarating experiences of my life as I spun and shook and whirled around the dance floor. So though I understand one of the commentors points about not focusing on bodies, I just don't think it is realistic or even desirable to pretend we don't see bodies. I don’t want my body ignored. Getting connected or perhaps re-connected to it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

On a side note, I think one of the reasons yoga has been such a successful modality for me was that it gave me tons of proprioceptive input through my joints and muscles. As a pediatric occupational therapist I use this all the time to help children organize their motor activity and improve their motor planning. I was finally able to really map each muscle in my body into my brain through this slow focused work that I did in yoga. My teacher, the amazing Marni Greer, was adept at helping us isolate movement and understand how our bodies worked. I don't think I could have done it without her. One of the biggest compliments of my life came last year when she told me I had excellent body awareness and that I should think about becoming a yoga teacher. I've made that one of my long term goals as I think it is important for people of all sizes to be represented in the yoga community but unfortunately the PhD needs to come first!

Supporting Sandy at Junkfood Science

I know that she and her blog are controversial but I just made a small donation to the Junkfood Science blog. This is the first time I've given money to someone over the internet just because I respect the work she's doing. As I mentioned in my last post, her latest series is both enligtening and inspiring and I am sooooo thankful that there is someone out there doing the work that she is doing even if some of it may be motivated by ulterior motives than just Fat Acceptanc. Her committment to truth and the disemination of accurate interpretations of scientific news is very strong. Of course she doesn't cover everything, but I like the way she covers what she does and I respect her habit of linking to the original sources so that I can go read the science behind it myself.

Here's a bit of her intro that says it better than I ever could. I think she believes this and that she actually is living it.

"The more I’ve learned, the more horrified I’ve become. Science is being misused for marketing and political purposes. Evidence is being distorted and bias has inundated media, research, government policies and clinical guidelines. Unsound information proliferates in professional and advocacy organizations, academic institutions and journals; and even professionals aren’t reaching beyond beliefs to critically examine studies and recognize credible information. So much valuable and critically important information, and the very best science — well documented in careful, objective, evidence-based research — is never reported and almost never published. Fear sells and unfounded scares, exaggerations and “what-ifs?” are being used to terrify people about their foods, bodies and health.

And all of this is costing, frightening and hurting people.

For years, I have traced virtually every science, food and health story in mainstream media to their original press releases, which are reported verbatim. Literally everything we hear and read today is marketing and created by those trying to sell us something: a belief, cause, product, service, or themselves. That’s why we hear “science” finds something one day, and something entirely different the next. “Pop” science, what is popularly believed and marketed as “science,” is oftentimes really the junk science.

I’ve also gone to the original source, the study behind each of those stories, and been even more alarmed to realize that the evidence is nothing like what we hear, or even what appears in the conclusions of many study abstracts. In fact, it’s often the exact opposite! Simultaneously, I’ve watched the very best science that counters popular beliefs and could put fears to rest, go unreported. And after a decade of unsuccessfully trying to get any mainstream or alternative publication to publish articles with the fact-based information, I realized it wasn't possible.

That’s not right. I believe people deserve to know the truth and not be taken advantage of, needlessly terrified or put at risk.

People also deserve the soundest facts to make informed decisions for themselves and their loved ones, and so we can all ensure public policies and clinical guidelines are based on sound evidence and risk analysis.

My personal commitment is to give people information that is as true as I know it to be."

Thank you Sandy! Thank you to all of you out here in the blogosphere who are fighting the good fight.

But it's Soooo Easy

I've been thinking about this all weekend.

I was sitting at happy hour on Friday with my brother and a co-worker/friend. She was asking me where I plan to go once I finish my PhD and suggested New Zealand. I joked "Nah, they won't take me cuz I'm too fat." and she replied "Well you can fix that easily enough."

Easily fixable? Really? Does she honestly think I would stay 100+ lbs. over weight if it was easily fixable?

She's recently been doing Weight Watchers and has lost a significant amount of weight. She's mentioned to me several times how easy it is. This is of course the first time she's ever been on a plan like this. She just turned 40. I was on my first diet at age 7. Believe me, if it was easy I would have done it. I've dieted many, many times. I've lost over 40 lbs three different times. I've spent thousands of dollars on diet plans, support groups, special foods, and exercise programs. If I could find a way to maintain that kind of weight loss I'd do it in a heartbeat!

Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I'm lazy. I don't know but for me maintaining any kind of weight loss has NEVER been easy. It breaks my heart. I'd give so much to not deal with this struggle but here it is and here I am and it doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon. So as far as I can tell, I've got a few choices. I can continue to try each new diet that comes out, try the diets that worked but didn't stick again or maybe try something different--not focusing on losing weight. Not hating myself for the shape of my body, not beating myself up for every morsel of food that goes into my mough, and celebrating the good things about this body I have.

Yeah, I think I'll go with option number three.

Broomball the pics!

Look at me all dressed in fleece and defending the goal! It's always so interesting to see pictures of myself. I love taking pictures and am often the person in the group with a camera but for once someone else was documenting the event so there are lots of great shots of me and everyone else. My first thought upon seeing the picture above was "My eye-makeup looks pretty good" others in the set got my negative self talk started but I was mostly able to head it off at the pass.


This one made me realize how really round my body is. I rarely look at it from this angle...in fact I'm not sure I ever saw my body from this perspective, but it doesn't look inherently bad. It certainly doesn't look like a fashion model's body, but it's kind of cute. And look at how active I look in that picture, not posed and careful of every lump and line. I'm moving, attending to the ball, ready to drop to my knees or sweep the ball away at any second. I don't see pictures like that of me very often either.



This one is harder for me to get over the negative self talk with. In this one it's my giant busthoomas that are giving me trouble. I'd just run down the bleechers from setting the self-timer on the camera and didn't have time to make an adjustment so I'm uncomfortable with how much flesh shows in this shot, but it's such a fun picture. Look at the silly grins on our faces. I know it's hard to look away from the boobs but trust me the rest of the picture is more interesting! We were all lit up with the energy of the playing the game and goofing around with the fake mustaches from our goody bags. It's just hard for me to see beyond the fact that my boobs are bigger than some of their heads. But I'm trying. This is a journey afterall. That is my body. My body that served me very well for the game and which does so many other wonderful things for me. I've got a couple of serious bruises and a few sore muscles, but overall it held up and allowed me to have the most fun I've had in weeks!

What do you think when you see pictures of yourself? If you have negative self-talk, how do you handle it?

Let your light shine out!

Today I attended a memorial for a friend's wife, Mary, who passed away on Thanksgiving. The service was lovely and the party afterward was full of laughter, sweet stories and great food and drinks. As my best friend and I walked out of the restaurant I asked "Is it wrong that I had a really good time?" and then I thought about it and realized how absolutely right that was. How much this woman would have enjoyed this party herself and how I'd want people to celebrate my life in the same way. And so by this post I mean to in no way diminish the saddness of losing her and the pain that her friends and families are in but I found some real food for thought in the words of the priest at the service today.

This woman was only 57 years old and she was not fat. As far as I know, she'd never been fat. Everyone in her family is naturally slim. And yet, amazingly enough, she died. Way too young, way too soon for anyone around her and from cancer...a disease that if I only got my information from watching the local news I'm pretty sure I'd think was caused by being fat. It's certainly a factor that seems to be brought up frequently as a consequence in the "obesity epidemic" discourse.

KateHarding over at Shapely Prose recently addressed this very point when she talked about the kooky CRON people and now I have a specific example right here in my own life.

Hey, here’s a scientific fact: We are all going to die. And in the meantime, we all make decisions about the kinds of lives we want to live. Some people eat as little as possible in the explicit hope of outliving this silly, primitive limitation known as mortality. Other people eat less than they want to in hopes of living a little longer than people who “indulge themselves.” And other people eat what they fucking feel like eating, because to them, chronic restrained eating would — unlike obesity — indeed be a “huge risk factor for… a life of misery.”

And in those last two categories, at least? There are people of all sizes. People who are unequivocally fat despite consistently eating less than they want to, and thin people who seem to have the proverbial hollow leg. There are even, horror of horrors, fat people who eat whatever they want. Because they’re grown-ups, and they’re allowed. What a concept.

Yup that's right folks, we're all going to die. And so often the fear of fat and the fear of fat people seems to be linked to a great big huge fear of death. Mary lived an active life dedicated to serving her community and raising her children. She was also a joy to be around. Full of life and laughter even in the last few years as she fought through four years of cancer ups and downs. She was still acting president of a large service organization and the last time I saw her she was swing dancing to a live band at a local bar.

The priest at the service asked us to observe her shining example and ask ourselves how we were living. This question has haunted me all day. There are so many things I wish I was doing but am not. I've been wanting to do some volunteer work for the last few years and have done some little bits but I am craving something regular, a weekly dose of using my talents to serve the world instead of just serving myself. I've said I'm going to take a Spanish class for the last 3 years and have yet to do it and I'm stalling on moving forward on my darn PhD. Overall I've been feeling like I've been blocking my light. Self-sabotaging myself so as not to shine too brightly and it really sucks!

How often as fat women do we do this? I feel like so many of the women I know let their lives be dominated by thinking about diets, weight, fat, and all the shoulds. We should be thinner, taller, dress better, eat better, be better mothers, daughters, wives, lovers, and friends. How much time do I sit around thinking about all the things I should do instead of just doing them? Just imagine if all the energy (not to mention the money) that goes into dieting, exercising to lose weight and beating ourselves up for all the shoulds that we just can't seem to match up to went into giving back to our community or into our work. What if we all opened the blinds we've installed and actually let the light shine out? Just imagine what a world this could be.

A Big Fat Shift

Lately I've been reading my way through the fatosphere, the world of fat acceptance and "Health at Every Size (HAES)" on the interwebs. It's been an interesting journey. I've been fat all my life, with a few brief forays down into the merely chubby realm that didn't last long and I've been lucky enough to have a natural comfort with my body both in the fat and fatter phases. In the past I've always felt attractive and sensual even though my body isn't that of a fashion model. Unfortuately in the last few months I've been struggling to maintain my usual acceptance and joyful celebration of my physical self. I've gained 30 lbs, my clothes don't fit and I've been super busy with school and work and have stopped going to yoga as much as I usually do. I know that has been part of/most of the problem. I just feel better when I'm getting an intense workout a few times a week. I've still been walking everyday but it's just not the same.

Reading up on the actual science behind obesity research has been one of the most interesting results of this feeling. I went looking for ideas about weight loss and instead found some powerful arguments for taking weight loss out of the center of my plans and replacing it with joyful movement and intuitive eating. Blogs like Junkfood Science and Kate Harding's Shapely Prose have helped me to re-evaluate what my priorities should be. Now though I have to find the motivation, the get up and go to actually go to yoga class. Not because I want to lose weight, but because I want to feel better. I want to gain back the strength and flexibility I'm losing. I want the high that comes from pushing myself to new heights, mastering a new pose, going further in flow without taking a break. I'm not sure where it went but I know if I can find it again I'll be healthier and happier. I'm glad for this phase though. I wouldn't have found these kindred spirits and this whole world of HAES and my instinct tells me that this is going to be a VERY important new development in my life.