Lately I've been reading my way through the fatosphere, the world of fat acceptance and "Health at Every Size (HAES)" on the interwebs. It's been an interesting journey. I've been fat all my life, with a few brief forays down into the merely chubby realm that didn't last long and I've been lucky enough to have a natural comfort with my body both in the fat and fatter phases. In the past I've always felt attractive and sensual even though my body isn't that of a fashion model. Unfortuately in the last few months I've been struggling to maintain my usual acceptance and joyful celebration of my physical self. I've gained 30 lbs, my clothes don't fit and I've been super busy with school and work and have stopped going to yoga as much as I usually do. I know that has been part of/most of the problem. I just feel better when I'm getting an intense workout a few times a week. I've still been walking everyday but it's just not the same.
Reading up on the actual science behind obesity research has been one of the most interesting results of this feeling. I went looking for ideas about weight loss and instead found some powerful arguments for taking weight loss out of the center of my plans and replacing it with joyful movement and intuitive eating. Blogs like Junkfood Science and Kate Harding's Shapely Prose have helped me to re-evaluate what my priorities should be. Now though I have to find the motivation, the get up and go to actually go to yoga class. Not because I want to lose weight, but because I want to feel better. I want to gain back the strength and flexibility I'm losing. I want the high that comes from pushing myself to new heights, mastering a new pose, going further in flow without taking a break. I'm not sure where it went but I know if I can find it again I'll be healthier and happier. I'm glad for this phase though. I wouldn't have found these kindred spirits and this whole world of HAES and my instinct tells me that this is going to be a VERY important new development in my life.