Surrounded By Love

This weekend I went to the wedding of two very good friends. I was in fact, blessed to be able to perform the ceremony for them. I'm not ordained, but they got married at a chapel in Vegas where there was a minister to do the official declaring them married part afterward as they signed their marriage license. I got to lead them in sharing their vows with each other, exchanging rings, and a flower binding ceremony with their respective children. It was so touching to hear them express their amazing love for one another and to be part of the ritual that marked their formation of a new family.

Now what does this have to do with this blog? Well both my friends are fat and both of them are beautiful. He's a lifelong vegetarian, artist, and one of the kindest men I know. She's sassy and strong and amazingly loyal to those she loves. She looked absolutely gorgeous in her white dress with black accents and he was so handsome in his dark suit and purple tie. I thought he might burst with happiness and the love and joy shining from his eyes all through the ceremony was amazing. I felt really lucky to have the intimate view of their commitment as we stood before their friends and family. And it was inspiring as a fat woman looking for love.

The reception was interesting for me in that there were actually quite a few single men there (unusual in my experience of weddings). Several of the groom's friends are single and I have hung out with some of them before (and actually been on dates with two of them in the past) and there was another fellow who I just felt an amazing instant chemistry with. It turned out that though he was there by himself, he is "loosely partnered"  and I later found out from my friends is actually expecting a baby. Not really a great potential match for me, but oh boy, it was fun to dance and flirt with him! In the end, even with all those single fellows about, I spent the night in my hotel room alone.

Sometimes weddings make me sad. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who hasn't been able to find a strong and enduring love.  And dang it, I want the pretty dress and someone vowing to be my partner. I want to love and be loved in return. I want the celebration with all my nearest and dearest and I want the joy of having someone choose to create a family with me.

Luckily, somehow this weekend I didn't feel the negative side of those desires. I didn't have the ugly tint of envy washing over the joy of celebrating my friends' happiness. This weekend I felt the love of my friends surrounding me, I felt the power of the many beautiful loves I have in my life even though I do not have that primary partner that so much of our society concentrates on as bringing meaning to life. I still want those things but I was at peace with where I am now, at peace with the knowledge that I am surrounded by love even if it doesn't look the way I expected it would.

Edited because paragraph breaks are important and I thought you might enjoy seeing a picture from the wedding.

A Little Help From A Friend

Last month one of my best friends sent me a text message while I was at work. She's tried to set me up with a few of her friends and has just generally been very encouraging of my dating process. Here's how the conversation went:

T: Can I put up a personal ad for you?
Me: What? I already have one.
T: On Craigslist.
Me: Craigslist is all sex. That's not what I want right now.
T: There are some good guys there.
Me: Well if you want to sort the replies you can. I just don't think I have the energy to do it right now and I don't want to see the penis pictures (I had tried Craigslist in the past so I knew what she'd be getting.)
T: Yay!

I was in a bit of a dating funk. I was feeling grumpy about the process and the amount of work that it took. I'd been debating taking down my ads on the dating sites and was generally pessimistic about the possibility of meeting anyone who was right for me but I figured if she wanted to do the work, I'd let her.

Here's the ad. I laughed when I saw it. I couldn't believe she'd put in the "awesome" line. She chose a picture from my facebook and put it up as well. It wasn't one I would have picked.

Title: Why Not?-35 (Neighborhood I Live In)
Let's get straight to the point.

Me: 35, never married, no kids, dog person, PhD, Occupational Therapist, apartment with one roommate, liberal, curvy, sweet, kinda nerdy, love to explore Los Angeles, originally from the East Coast, non-smoker, social drinker, all around awesome.

You: 34-39, have a career (not just a job), some sort of higher education (I understand that not all people are college people, but a thirst for knowledge and bettering oneself is important), roommates ok, your mother's house not ok (few exceptions granted), wants kids (eventually), likes to explore the world but can appreciate a nice day lounging in bed, liberal, gay friendly, dog friendly, have a car but understands the importance of public transportation, social drinker, can make conversation without it feeling like a job interview.

Do not respond if you are looking for a booty call (though they have their place, not what i'm looking for).

Bonus points: I like a guy with a few extra pounds
Super Bonus points: is or is at least is familiar with UU (and no cheating by looking it up)

That evening, T sent me three email replies. Each had a picture and short response.
One amused me because he had the same last name as T. I playfully accused her of setting up an elaborate ruse to get me to go out with her cousin. She denied it.

His response was short and simple:

Hello my name is **** I’m 35 I live by ****. I am a geeky guy, I do have a job let me rephrase that career. I work for a hospital. I love music and I do love dogs a lot. OK if you want to chat my yahoo is ****. I hope to hear from you!!

His picture was cute. He has a goatee and square glasses and a little bit of a hipster vibe. I found him on yahoo the next night and we chatted for several hours. I emailed the other two guys as well but quickly decided they were not for me. I wasn't sure with this one. There were a few things that I didn't think were promising. He's not long out of a marriage and he doesn't drink (I like to be able to go out and have drinks with my dates) but he was sweet, funny and most unusually, respectful on IM. I know it's disturbing that I think this is rare but my experience in the world of online dating led me to expect otherwise. We chatted again a few nights later and then talked on the phone. We planned a coffee date. We walked around and then got gelato. We didn't kiss or even hold my hand. I worried that he didn't like me but he suggested we meet at a dog park the next weekend with our dogs. We went to the dog park then out for a late lunch-again no kiss or even touching but he asked me to come to the movies with him the following week. I was really wondering at this point if he was interested. During the movie he surprised me with a kiss. I felt a bit like I was back in high-school. He later admitted that he hadn't kissed me sooner because he wasn't sure if I liked him.

We've been seeing each other a few times a week ever since and I must admit that I like him more each time I see him. Oh and I took down my other personal ads.

Finding Fat Men Sexy: Culture, Gaze and the Male Body

This post started off as a comment on the post written by Plumcake from Manolo for the Big Girl called No Fat...Dudes? I ended up writing a post's worth in the comments so decided this was the better venue.

In that post, Plumcake asks whether she is a hypocrite because she has never dated a fat fellow hasn't historically dated fat fellows. I think this is a very interesting question. I've done a lot of dating and for a long time I too had never dated a fat man. In the fat-o-sphere I have the general impression that the message is:

"We don't want all men to find fat women fuckable because 'you're attracted to who you're attracted to' (YATWYAT) and that's fine. We just want you to respect the fact that some men are attracted to fat women and not deride them and us about it as if the possibility of wanting to have sex with us was unthinkable."

I think the message that our worth is not tied to whether you want to have sex with us is powerful and important but I think we may be doing the movement a bit of a disservice when we don't examine this more closely. The "YATWYAT" line is actually problematic. All of us are trained in this culture in many explicit and not-so-explicit kinds of ways to respond differently to different body types. We all absorb these messages even when we're trying to fight against them and I think it often takes vigilance and specific action to counteract the effects. Many women have to work to find their own bodies and bodies like theirs to be attractive and I think we need to do that same work with regards to the men we find attractive. So often the men presented to us in magazines, movies, and on TV as sexy or as objects of desire are very slim and muscular. Big and fat men are often presented as comic characters and often do get to be the love interest. When they are the love interest it's often in a role where the relationship is already established and they are not shown as an object of lust. This is doubly true for fat women in the mainstream media but this post is about the dudes!

A little over a year ago I decided to take on the project of retraining my eye to better appreciate the beauty and sex appeal of fat men. I had briefly dated a fat man and though I hadn't initially found him physically attractive I was attracted by other things and soon found myself physically interested in him. This conversion led me to realize that I'd been unfair and that I was missing out on a group of guys who might make great partners both in bed and in relationships so after we broke up I embarked on my gaze retraining project.

I was hesitant at first to even try because I believed the "YATWYAT" trope but I started seeking out images of fat men to see if it was possible to retrain my gaze. I'm happy to report that my project was a big success. I've been able to re-train my eyes to appreciate the sexiness of a variety of different male body types. One of my favorite resources for this has been the (often NSFW) blog Men in Full and the accompanying tumblr feed. The pictures of the men, sometimes nude and sometimes clothed and the commentary focusing on what made them sexy for the blogger there (sorry I can't find her name) helped me to start seeing these men differently and the fat men I run into in real life differently too.

Like Plumcake, I definitely didn't have a "no fat dudes" rule but I just didn't tend to notice them in the same way I did a more fit man. Men notice when you notice them. We put off subtle signals that give them the green light to flirt and I wasn't giving those signals to fat men so they weren't coming on to me. Now, over a year later, I notice big guys all the time and they often flirt with me. I've come to appreciate fat men like Jorge Garcia in a different way. I often saw his character on Lost as endearing but after this project I sometimes noticed that I wanted to jump Hurley's bones when he was on the screen in the same way I sometimes wanted to jump Sawyer's (Josh Holloway.)

Image copyright Fabrice www.biosstars.com

So my intrepid readers, what do you think about this? Have you dated fat men? Do you find them attractive in general? Have you changed what you find attractive or do you think it would be possible for you to do so?