Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dry Spell

Well I'm going through quite a dry spell. I have had very little action on my online dating profile lately. I made some changes a few weeks ago and have apparently scared off all the men!

The main thing I changed was that I put the information that I plan to leave Los Angeles in Fall 2011 on there. I framed it as an important fact because it does relate to dating. It makes dating a really different proposition right now. There's an expiration date on my time here and so if I meet someone great we're going to have to deal with that fact. I might be able to be convinced to stay in the area if the right group of circumstances came about but I am pretty determined to get back East so I can be closer to my family. I also changed my pictures, but I'm hoping that's not why nobody is biting.

What do you all think? Should I leave this information off? Reveal it later after I meet someone? Is it too much honesty to include it on my profile? Or does this mean I just shouldn't be trying to date? I do want companionship and I really enjoy the process of dating so I don't feel like I should have to give it up entirely. Any ideas?

I'm also curious for those of you who have done some online dating, did you search out and approach many men? I usually don't because I've often had many writing to me but since that's stopped I'm wondering if I should be putting out more feelers. The site I'm using doesn't have a space for people to specify the body type they're looking for which makes me more reluctant to reach out. I'm a bit afraid that some men might react negatively to my approaching them.


  1. I had a lot of fun with internet dating the summer I met my husband. I found that in order to get dates with the kind of guy I was attracted to (older than me, with nerdy qualities), I HAD to reach out. I wrote intro e-mails to tons of guys. The good ones I met were all from me making the first move.

  2. If I saw a profile that said the person was planning to move across the country in a year, I definitely would not contact them. It comes across as "we need to talk: either you will have to uproot or this won't last" and that's too heavy for profile/making connection/first date stage, imo. Second or third date is when I would mention it.

  3. I'm doing online dating and I don't get a lot of people contacting me. I do think it's probably because I state on my profile that I believe in body acceptance and don't plan dieting for anyone. Also I am a huge nerd so my profile doesn't make me sound that interesting except maybe to other nerds.

    So I initiate contact with men more than they initiate contact with me. I don't know if it would classify as many...

    I would not be scared off by someone saying they are leaving town in a year because I'm not necessarily looking for commitment right now.

  4. I'd leave it off and, as Eve says, wait for 2nd or 3rd date. They don't need to know that before a 1st date.

    Also, a big yes on contacting guys you are interested in. I did that a lot in my OKCupid-ing days, and I think my 1st dates were 50-50 on me contacting guys first and them contacting me. Also, I was usually the one who by the third email was like "Stop with the penpal thing, tell me where we're going on our first date."

    I suppose I was nothing if not efficient. :)

  5. I think leaving it on will certainly mean a good number of people will move past your profile. If you are looking for a long term relationship and you are moving town then it's going to be a bit of an ask for them to move with you if cupid's arrow strikes home and you mention it a few dates in...Of course you never know, you could be a smitten as a kitten and want to stay, but you sound pretty determined to shift.

    If I went out and by the third date they told me they were leaving town I would be a bit cheesed off as I don't intend leaving my home, job and family etc. If I had known this I would probably placed them in the friend box and not risked my most valuable heart, but then that's just me.

    If you note on the profile that you are leaving town in the fall and you are just looking at enjoying dating until you leave that should probably satisfy everyone - you get to enjoy dating, and the persons that contact you know that you are moving, caveat emptor and all that. You may however find that some people will find this the code for being a booty call, but what the hell, you can always say no ;-)

    Myself when online dating - I would put my feelers out there probably 50/50. Mixed response. I would say it ranged from flattered ('Wow, I've never been asked out by a woman before' to 'f*** off fatty'. The service I used allows you to specify the body type you are looking for, so I don't really have much sympathy for those who say they are okay with largish people only to find out they didn't really mean it.

    The service also allows you to have a look at who has looked at your profile. I had someone 'block' me for just looking. That was pretty annoying, as you have to make a complaint to be blocked, and I had never contacted this person. I would love to know what the complaint was 'she wuz being all fat at me'. The service passed along the email telling me I had been blocked (not why, just who the person was), but never took any action against me. Charming.

    I jumped out of the online dating pool to towel off about a year ago...I didn't have as thick a skin as I thought and was getting way too many 'you've got a great personality..but..' for my self esteem to handle. I found there were just way too many fellows treating it as a prostitution service for which they did not need to pay...or a shopping list...and 'big girl' wasn't on the list.