I've been dipping into the recycling bin again. Spending time with two guys who I've dated in the past. Now this wouldn't be a problem except that these are guys that I have decided are not good choices for me. They fill a need though, a need for male companionship and a little bit of touch, a need to be seen as desirable and worth spending time with. And frankly, it's easy. They don't demand much and they give me that little buzz I can get off having a nice evening with a man.
But, neither of them is really emotionally available or a good match for me. The first is beautiful and a great lover but he doesn't want anything more than to be fuck buddies. Now that can be fun, but it really isn't what I'm looking for in my life right now. I know that if I let that happen regularly with him, I limit myself from looking for that something more that I really do want.
The second is wildly inconsistent. He can be sweet and helpful and act as if he adores me one day but then the next he is distant and shut down. We've tried dating a few times and each time it ends after just a few weeks when he withdraws then accuses me of "going crazy" when I call him on his massive mood shift. I've told him that our contact has to be on a purely friendship level, but it's tough not to slip back into cuddling and acting like we're on a date when I am so craving touch in my life right now and he's in one of his sweet phases.
I know that neither of these choices are right for me yet I continue to go back to them, I continue to reach out for that temporary satisfaction of feeling like I'm with someone even though I know it's not a good long term choice. This weekend I slipped back to them because I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I'm coming to terms with the ending of my summer romance and I'm a bit sad that the man from New Jersey doesn't seem to want to be with me enough to step outside of his comfort zone, to try something different with me-to give long distance a go even though we both know that wouldn't be easy. I've also been in the middle of a conflict with my brother that has been very hurtful. He put me in a very difficult position regarding his girlfriend (who I struggle to get along with) while I was visiting and I didn't handle it very well. I've apologized and tried to figure out how to make amends but he's not a great communicator and being 3,000 miles away doesn't exactly help. Overall, I've been feeling unheard and undervalued by the men around me so I went looking this weekend for someone to listen.
I think one of the toughest parts of being single when one doesn't want to be is not having someone to be really vulnerable with. I've never been great at showing people when I'm hurt or having a difficult time. It takes me a long time to achieve a level of intimacy with someone where I can reveal that. I am lucky to have some wonderful friends and I can reach out to them, but it's just not the same as having a partner, someone who has committed to be there with you through the tough stuff.