Sunday, November 7, 2010

A much better catch...

I just got an email from my summer fling on one of the dating websites I use offering to give me tips on improving my profile. We've stayed in touch as friends though it hasn't always been easy. I initially thought there could be something much more potent and powerful between us and was very excited about him and the possibility of a relationship with him. He was interested in spending time with me but not interested in something more serious. Luckily I've been able to see him more clearly since we stopped seeing each other romantically and I have a better understanding of why it didn't/couldn't work for us to have the kind of relationship I would have preferred.

The email read:
if you are interested in my providing you with feedback on how you might improve your profile, feel free to let me know. i think you are a much better catch than this profile lets on. :-)
My initial response to this email was to feel a bit insulted. I've worked hard on that profile and have put quite a bit of thought into it. I was also hurt because some small part of me still hoped that he would realize how great I was and want to date me again (though when I think about this logically it would be a bad idea.) After thinking it over for a few hours, I have come to the conclusion that I should probably ask for his suggestions. He is trying to help after all and I don't have to actually make the changes if I don't agree with them. Something about it though does rub me the wrong way. What do you think? Would you feel differently if you were in my situation?


  1. It can't hurt. It sounds like he's at least got a pretty high opinion of you.

  2. That is strange... as a friend why is he doing reconnaissance on your profile... isnt that weird?

    I personally think it is high handed and patronizing. Really? you jerk face... I am not good enough for YOU but you want to HELP me with my profile? kiss my grits. dude. no, really. So HE thinks it isn't good enough... thats a pretty subjective opinion.

    Sorry but this triggered me. I mean, would you do that? If some guy you know was into you, but you not so much, you call it off then later tell him he is hotter in person or whatevs and you can help...? Doesnt that sound like crazy making? Who would Do that? Just... odd in my opinion.

  3. I'm with Jenna. It sounds remarkably controlling and not just a bit passive agressive. It's one thing if you and he had been talking about you not getting a lot of hits on your profile and he suggested a couple of tweaks to improve your chances. It's this contacting you out of the blue and telling you he knows why you're not getting dates, if only you would listen to him that's giving me the bad vibe.

    Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe it's not as creepy as it's coming across from what I'm reading into what you said. It's possible there's a reason he did this that's perfectly kindly and helpful.

    But from what I'm reading here, I gotta say it would make me kind of nervous.

  4. Yeah, I had someone offer to "help" me with my profile once. The advice was "tone down the feminism" and "stop saying you are fat". No, really, I'd prefer to drive off a hundred guys who can't handle a little honesty than attract one I'd have to hide my true self from.

    It's your profile, I say let the guy edit his own.

  5. I'm on the fence about this. I feel as though you should at least see what he says, but then again, like another commenter noted, You're not good enough for him yet somehow he thinks you're selling yourself short through your profile? Ugh! In the end it's only what you're most comfortable changing if you do feel that it should be changed. I would ask him though what his intentions are in general with you. I always suspect people who want to "help" but that's only because I've been burned far too many times.

  6. Thanks everyone for the feedback, I'm definitely feeling ambivalent about it and your thoughts have helped me clarify some of the reasons.

  7. That kind of gives me the skeevies like others have said it seems controlling and stepping over a boundary. Like Notblueatall said the whole your not for him yet he he knows how to "sell" you ... no it just seems weird to me. Thing is the profile should be YOU, it should be done by you and created by you and you should put yourself as you see yourself into it because it IS in essence your introduction to someone. Who better to do that than the one who knows you best, YOU! You know what makes you, you and what is most important to you and what makes you tick, what you love about you and what not.

    It does make a little difference that you have remained friends but it reminds me of the time that a guy wrote to me on a dating site and told me that he had no interest in me but he wanted to help make my profile better and told me to take out any mention of my weight or anything negative (both which I made a clear choice to include because I wanted to be upfront with people and not paint myself as perfect just human) when I declined and said I wanted to keep my profile the way it was, he got mad and abused me a bit through messages which kind of made me laugh, but overall you are the one who knows you the best you need to put the real you forward, not someone someone else has composed for you ya'know?

  8. I think it's creepy -- and is it really worthwhile to be friends with him? Sounds painful to you.

    Advice is like opinions are like ... you know. Everyone has them. Just because they have them doesn't make them important or relevant to you.