Monday, February 28, 2011

No Reply

A few weeks ago I spotted a profile of a man on one of the dating sites I use that seemed like an ideal match for me. I agreed with everything he wrote on his profile and in fact found it charming and interesting. He had answered many of the questions that are important to me and our answers seemed to agree on almost everything. He even had answered yes to a question about whether he would date someone who was significantly overweight. I was hopeful in a way I haven't been about many folks I've found on these sites.

I carefully wrote out a reply commenting on something he'd said on his profile and expressing interest in getting to know him. I sent it off late one evening and waited for a response.

Usually when I send off a message on these sites I have very little attachment to the results. I almost forget who I have replied to sometimes but this one was different. Days went by with no message back from him and I thought, "Well he's probably busy or just hasn't checked his messages." A week went by and I risked looking at his profile to see if he had logged in. He had. Another few days went by and I realized that he wasn't going to respond. I waited yet another few days and then I sent a second message saying that I could see that he wasn't interested but that if he would be willing, I would appreciate any feedback as to why. I was really curious because it seemed like I fit very well into what he was saying he wanted and he seemed from his profile to be the kind of man I am interested in. That was Thursday and I have not heard anything back. I'm guessing I probably won't. I have to admit that I'm disappointed. I would really have liked to know why he wasn't interested. Perhaps something on my profile isn't representing me or what I want accurately and I'd like to get that feedback.

One good thing about this is that seeing his profile helped me to clarify what I want. I actually edited my profile to include a few things that his made me think about. I'm really happy with my new profile even though I haven't been getting many responses. I feel it better represents who I am and what I'm looking for and as such will hopefully lead to those who do reply being a better match for me.


  1. It's too bad, but what I've learned is you've just got to let it go. I mean, imagine yourself on the other end of this scenario, being asked to compose an e-mail telling a perfect stranger what made them unattractive to you. I have been asked that a few times; I never reply, because it opens a door to anger, bargaining, all sorts of unpleasantness that you don't owe yourself to engage in with a stranger.

  2. Understood Cynthia, I have let it go and I would not even consider contacting him again. I don't see it as his responsibility to educate me, but I was just disappointed that he didn't see what I saw as a possibility. That little of flicker of hope dies out yet again. I've been on the other side as well and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

  3. This has happened to me so many times and sometimes we think- "oh that person is perfect for me". I wrote to a guy who I thought I had a lot in common with. It turns out by the time I wrote to him, he was already dating my dance teacher (& friend) who he met through the same site. He obvs. didn't write me back since he was seeing someone else. But the whole thing was so weird. Now my friend was like "Well, he emailed me!" Since then I have interacted with him a lot and realized that he's not really my type anyway! I live in NYC so the odds of this happening was just really strange. Sometimes guys just like the chase and don't respond...

  4. The non-replies always hurt more than the simple "No thanks" for me... One of the best things I try to remember is a little blurb from Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere ( lack of a reply is actually about *them*. You could look like someone they dated before and are still getting over, you could love skittles and kittens and the thought of that gives them nightmares, or a million other reasons that have very little to do with you.
    If nothing else, you should feel great about figuring out what *you* would like in a relationship!

  5. Yeah, I'd just assume he's either a) smitten with someone he met before you ever wrote to him, b) actively dating someone else exclusively and hasn't updated his profile yet because he's not 100% sure he has "the one" yet, c) secretly monogamously married, or d) just putting up a profile in order to diddle himself and isn't really serious about meeting anyone. None of those have anything to do with you at all.