Monday, June 28, 2010

Date #1

So my first bloggable date was last week. It was a man who had responded to my Craigslist post. He was one of the first to respond and this was what he wrote:

Hey there--I'm also from Los Angeles; 31. Tall, educated, authentic, too.

Let me know if you want to know more--I'd love to know more about you!

He also attached a picture. He was quite handsome and I thought that he looked familiar but when I brought that up to him he didn't think I looked familiar to him. We sent a few emails back and forth and got on a chat program. He was witty, charming and quickly asked if I wanted to set up a date.

Now I've done a fair amount of online dating and I have often said that I like to meet early. My theory has been that it saves time and honestly a big part of that is motivated by my insecurity that the man I date is not going to like my body. I'd rather he see it in person sooner, rather than later so if that's going to be an issue we get it out of the way quickly, before I've had time to feel too attached to the idea of him. I have pictures but I'm always afraid they don't really represent me fairly. I'm not sure why that is. I do pick "flattering" pictures generally but I know I don't have a great idea of what my body actually looks like so it's hard to know which ones to send. I'm not sure if this is the best strategy. But I decided to go for it and we quickly set up a plan to meet for a drink at a local bar in three days time.

The next day A contacted me on chat again late in the evening. This time he was more forward and asked me to send some more pictures which I did. He then started throwing in some light innuendo. I playfully rebuffed this and he soon said he had to get to bed. On the third night, the night before our date, we chatted again. He mentioned that he hadn't realized how large my breasts were before the last set of pictures and seemed to get quite fixated on them. He asked me what size brassiere I wear. Now this is an issue that I've had come up before in dating. I don't know if it's more with online dates but it's been a bit of a problem. I know I have large breasts and I know that many men are fascinated by boobs, but I really don't want to talk extensively about my chest at this early stage in the game. Am I wrong to think this is inappropriate?

We bantered back and forth a bit about it. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it and he seemed to get a little bit miffed. He told me that he was worried that we wouldn't be compatible but wouldn't elaborate. I was starting to think that my plan for setting up a date early might have been a mistake, but I wanted to give him a chance.

Date Day:
He sent a message confirming that we were still on and I got ready. I wore my hair curly with trouser leg jeans and my favorite robin's egg blue cardigan. I put on a pair of low heels and pretty makeup. I used a dash of one of my favorite scented oils. I headed out just a few minutes later than I expected but still with plenty of time. We were planning to meet at 8:30 on the patio of a local bar. He texted me as I was driving up that the patio was closed so I called him and we decided to meet inside. I parked and called him. He'd wandered over to another shop but came walking back. He was very tall and he smiled at me from across the street. As soon as I saw him I knew that we had met before.

We had been on an Amazing LA Race tour together a few months ago and we'd chatted with our groups of friends afterward over a few drinks. He didn't recognize me. I pointed out the connection and then he remembered me and that made for some easy conversation as we relived some of the highlights of that day. He had not eaten dinner but I had so he ordered food and I got a glass of wine. Conversation flowed pretty well and I was having a good time.

After dinner he asked what I wanted to do and I suggested we go for a little walk. He hinted at wanting to go by my place but I ignored that. We walked and talked and he again brought up the subject of my breasts and what size bra I wear. I really don't understand this. Why is that important? What made him think it was appropriate first date discussion material? Uggh! Anyone else had these experiences? Like I said above this is not the first time it's happened to me. Are there some of you out there who aren't bothered by this and just kind of roll with it or take a "boys will be boys" attitude?

To be continued...


  1. Hi there

    I see that you are not getting any comments or a very small number of comments. I wanted to let you know that at least one person is reading about your progress. I have previously tried online dating - I would be the equivalent of an american size 12, and I certainly had some issues with people not responding once they saw a picture of me (not a problem). I had one fellow block me/ban me just for looking at his profile - this action stops me from emailing him (not that I was going ) or contact him. The downside to this action is that to do so he had to make a formal complaint about me - too many of these and you get kicked off the website (a paying website). Not cool. I went out for a few coffees, saw one fellow a few times. My weight was definitely an issue, even though pretty much all the guys I went out with were, with a few exceptions, BBMs. I can't discount my nervousness, inexperience being an issue.

    One guy that messaged me looking to go out. I read his profile and suggested as gently that I could that he was a good looking, fit guy and in turn was looking for a good looking, fit girl, and I was probably not the one for him. He agreed, thanked me for my time, and told me how difficult he was finding the process. The girls that met his physical needs were, to put it politely, gold diggers. The girls whose personalities he liked were not meeting his physical preferences. It was causing him some distress, but I suggested he keep plugging away as he may be surprised.

    Overall I found getting outside my comfort zone to be disconcerting, but even though nothing came of about 3 months of dating I am glad for having done it, and feel richer for the experience (even though I was poorer from the cost of registering for the site). I will continue to follow your blog, so don't feel you are 'crying out to the wilderness' as at least one person is reading, and cheering you on!


  2. Number two reader of your blog.

    The bra size question is one of those quirks of online dating. It's annoying, rude and definitely a turn off. That being said when it happens I quip, "Why do you need to know? Are you planning to buy me lingerie?"
    If that doesn't quash the curiosity I ask if they would ask that question if we had met face to face. This usually shuts them up.

  3. I have comments! It's great to know people are actually reading this. Pieface, please don't assume that just because a man is good looking and fit that he won't consider dating a woman who is of a different body type. Different people have different priorities in what they're looking for when dating and you might be surprised. That's why I believe in using an accurate picture and letting people decide for themselves.

    Number two reader, thanks for the perspective. I've had them ask when we were face to face. I'm hoping this is just a weird coincidence that I've heard it several times recently.

  4. Hi Kimocean

    I'm glad you are happy about the comments :-)

    The bra thing - I can't say I have had anyone comment on mine, however I wear minimisers which are pretty damn effective even though I am a D cup.

    Look, I personally think it's a bit much to be commenting on breast size when going out. Comments about general appearance (you like nice etc) are fine, but breast size? I would think it is bordering on a bit sleazy, although the guy you have described seems nice overall. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't right.

    I had my pictures on the website, very up to date ones, and pretty unflattering in my opinion. That's why I was surprised that they were surprised, but that's life for you.

    Anyway, I have checked with a friend: her take on the matter is that they have a boob fetish :-)

  5. Hi, just stumbled on your blog via Manolo for the Big Girl, but re: the comment. I would be horrified and we'd be done. I mean, that thing strikes me as really disrespectful and pretty much tells me what he's interested in. Good luck, I hope find a quality person.

  6. At the point he asked about your bra size, he let you know what he was really interested in and he is not worth your time.