Surrounded By Love

This weekend I went to the wedding of two very good friends. I was in fact, blessed to be able to perform the ceremony for them. I'm not ordained, but they got married at a chapel in Vegas where there was a minister to do the official declaring them married part afterward as they signed their marriage license. I got to lead them in sharing their vows with each other, exchanging rings, and a flower binding ceremony with their respective children. It was so touching to hear them express their amazing love for one another and to be part of the ritual that marked their formation of a new family.

Now what does this have to do with this blog? Well both my friends are fat and both of them are beautiful. He's a lifelong vegetarian, artist, and one of the kindest men I know. She's sassy and strong and amazingly loyal to those she loves. She looked absolutely gorgeous in her white dress with black accents and he was so handsome in his dark suit and purple tie. I thought he might burst with happiness and the love and joy shining from his eyes all through the ceremony was amazing. I felt really lucky to have the intimate view of their commitment as we stood before their friends and family. And it was inspiring as a fat woman looking for love.

The reception was interesting for me in that there were actually quite a few single men there (unusual in my experience of weddings). Several of the groom's friends are single and I have hung out with some of them before (and actually been on dates with two of them in the past) and there was another fellow who I just felt an amazing instant chemistry with. It turned out that though he was there by himself, he is "loosely partnered"  and I later found out from my friends is actually expecting a baby. Not really a great potential match for me, but oh boy, it was fun to dance and flirt with him! In the end, even with all those single fellows about, I spent the night in my hotel room alone.

Sometimes weddings make me sad. I feel like I'm the only person in the world who hasn't been able to find a strong and enduring love.  And dang it, I want the pretty dress and someone vowing to be my partner. I want to love and be loved in return. I want the celebration with all my nearest and dearest and I want the joy of having someone choose to create a family with me.

Luckily, somehow this weekend I didn't feel the negative side of those desires. I didn't have the ugly tint of envy washing over the joy of celebrating my friends' happiness. This weekend I felt the love of my friends surrounding me, I felt the power of the many beautiful loves I have in my life even though I do not have that primary partner that so much of our society concentrates on as bringing meaning to life. I still want those things but I was at peace with where I am now, at peace with the knowledge that I am surrounded by love even if it doesn't look the way I expected it would.

Edited because paragraph breaks are important and I thought you might enjoy seeing a picture from the wedding.

A Little Help From A Friend

Last month one of my best friends sent me a text message while I was at work. She's tried to set me up with a few of her friends and has just generally been very encouraging of my dating process. Here's how the conversation went:

T: Can I put up a personal ad for you?
Me: What? I already have one.
T: On Craigslist.
Me: Craigslist is all sex. That's not what I want right now.
T: There are some good guys there.
Me: Well if you want to sort the replies you can. I just don't think I have the energy to do it right now and I don't want to see the penis pictures (I had tried Craigslist in the past so I knew what she'd be getting.)
T: Yay!

I was in a bit of a dating funk. I was feeling grumpy about the process and the amount of work that it took. I'd been debating taking down my ads on the dating sites and was generally pessimistic about the possibility of meeting anyone who was right for me but I figured if she wanted to do the work, I'd let her.

Here's the ad. I laughed when I saw it. I couldn't believe she'd put in the "awesome" line. She chose a picture from my facebook and put it up as well. It wasn't one I would have picked.

Title: Why Not?-35 (Neighborhood I Live In)
Let's get straight to the point.

Me: 35, never married, no kids, dog person, PhD, Occupational Therapist, apartment with one roommate, liberal, curvy, sweet, kinda nerdy, love to explore Los Angeles, originally from the East Coast, non-smoker, social drinker, all around awesome.

You: 34-39, have a career (not just a job), some sort of higher education (I understand that not all people are college people, but a thirst for knowledge and bettering oneself is important), roommates ok, your mother's house not ok (few exceptions granted), wants kids (eventually), likes to explore the world but can appreciate a nice day lounging in bed, liberal, gay friendly, dog friendly, have a car but understands the importance of public transportation, social drinker, can make conversation without it feeling like a job interview.

Do not respond if you are looking for a booty call (though they have their place, not what i'm looking for).

Bonus points: I like a guy with a few extra pounds
Super Bonus points: is or is at least is familiar with UU (and no cheating by looking it up)

That evening, T sent me three email replies. Each had a picture and short response.
One amused me because he had the same last name as T. I playfully accused her of setting up an elaborate ruse to get me to go out with her cousin. She denied it.

His response was short and simple:

Hello my name is **** I’m 35 I live by ****. I am a geeky guy, I do have a job let me rephrase that career. I work for a hospital. I love music and I do love dogs a lot. OK if you want to chat my yahoo is ****. I hope to hear from you!!

His picture was cute. He has a goatee and square glasses and a little bit of a hipster vibe. I found him on yahoo the next night and we chatted for several hours. I emailed the other two guys as well but quickly decided they were not for me. I wasn't sure with this one. There were a few things that I didn't think were promising. He's not long out of a marriage and he doesn't drink (I like to be able to go out and have drinks with my dates) but he was sweet, funny and most unusually, respectful on IM. I know it's disturbing that I think this is rare but my experience in the world of online dating led me to expect otherwise. We chatted again a few nights later and then talked on the phone. We planned a coffee date. We walked around and then got gelato. We didn't kiss or even hold my hand. I worried that he didn't like me but he suggested we meet at a dog park the next weekend with our dogs. We went to the dog park then out for a late lunch-again no kiss or even touching but he asked me to come to the movies with him the following week. I was really wondering at this point if he was interested. During the movie he surprised me with a kiss. I felt a bit like I was back in high-school. He later admitted that he hadn't kissed me sooner because he wasn't sure if I liked him.

We've been seeing each other a few times a week ever since and I must admit that I like him more each time I see him. Oh and I took down my other personal ads.

A much better catch...

I just got an email from my summer fling on one of the dating websites I use offering to give me tips on improving my profile. We've stayed in touch as friends though it hasn't always been easy. I initially thought there could be something much more potent and powerful between us and was very excited about him and the possibility of a relationship with him. He was interested in spending time with me but not interested in something more serious. Luckily I've been able to see him more clearly since we stopped seeing each other romantically and I have a better understanding of why it didn't/couldn't work for us to have the kind of relationship I would have preferred.

The email read:

if you are interested in my providing you with feedback on how you might improve your profile, feel free to let me know. i think you are a much better catch than this profile lets on. :-)

My initial response to this email was to feel a bit insulted. I've worked hard on that profile and have put quite a bit of thought into it. I was also hurt because some small part of me still hoped that he would realize how great I was and want to date me again (though when I think about this logically it would be a bad idea.) After thinking it over for a few hours, I have come to the conclusion that I should probably ask for his suggestions. He is trying to help after all and I don't have to actually make the changes if I don't agree with them. Something about it though does rub me the wrong way. What do you think? Would you feel differently if you were in my situation?

Balance and Boundaries

I was talking to a friend this afternoon about how many of the online dating profiles we see say something like "I don't need a partner to complete me..." or "I don't need a relationship but would like to have one if it came along." This message is present in magazine articles and self help books that purport to give advice to those looking for love and is also common in the conversations I have with friends about dating, especially with married or partnered friends.

I understand where the "you must be a complete person on your own" trope comes from though I've certainly seen very needy people end up in good relationships. I feel that I am a "complete person," (whatever that means) but I really do want and even perhaps need to have an intimate partnership with someone. I know that I function better when I have a partner, someone else who is invested in the day-to-day world with me. I think this is partly due to the fact that I'm a very social person. I am happiest when I'm around other people and fun times with family and friends are actually re-charging for me.

If I have a partner, some of that need is met in the course of everyday activities. We have interesting conversations while we do the dishes or we can chat about that interesting show we just saw on TV, and I know that I'll have plans on Saturday night without having to put much effort into planning them out ahead of time. When I'm single, I have to spend more time and energy making sure that my social needs get met. Energy that could otherwise be put into work or other activities. There's also the energy that gets expended in the quest for partnership, the management of the online dating process and the emotional energy invested in meeting new people and trying to figure out new dynamics. When that is a settled area in my life, I am more productive at work and just plain happier.

My most recent dating adventures have involved a man who was lacking some important boundaries. He too recognized his need for a partner, but he wanted someone who could help him with his overwhelming work as much, if not more, than he wanted a romantic partner. He runs a charity organization that is trying to help people in Africa. He is incredibly passionate about this work and has given up much in his own life to try to help the people there. He gave up a high powered job, a large income, and all of his personal savings as well as almost all of his free time for the past few years. He said that he had recently realized that he needed to re-balance his life and decided that finding partnership might be the way to do it. We had two very nice dates where we shared interesting stories and discovered that we had much in common. My instincts were telling me though that he was so invested in this charity as to have little room left for a life for himself. My instincts were right. At the end of our third date he began to tell me a story about a certain child who needed medical care. It was a heart wrenching story and unfortunately it is something that is happening every day. This story was different though because it was in the village he has agreed to help and as such he was giving everything he had to help this child. He had already spent over $5,000 and needed more, more which he did not have.

He asked me to help, to donate myself and to reach out to my friends and family to help as well. It was a very difficult situation. My heart was of course touched by the story but I felt as if this had violated the social contract implicit in an early date between two virtual (no pun intended) strangers. I just wasn't ready to ask for money from those I know based solely on a story he told. I told him I needed time to think about it and that seemed to upset him. He said that when people said they needed time it usually meant that they were going to say no (which he may have been right about) and that this was a life and death situation for this child. Though I do not doubt that he is doing the work he said and that this was a real story of a child in need, I began to doubt why this man was dating me, why he was saying the flattering things he said. I began to think that there might be part of him who saw a successful single woman and thought perhaps I could be a financial help to him and his cause. It was not a pleasant feeling.

These two conversations have me thinking about balance and boundaries. The balance between needing and wanting a partner and creating a life that is fulfilling without that partnership and the boundaries between work and personal life, including dating. How do you maintain those boundaries when your work is something that is integral to who you are? How about when your being or not being in a partnership affects how much you have to give to your work?

Snoring and Sleeping with a New Partner

So we've established that dating is fraught with challenges for everyone but being a fat woman is associated with a few extra challenges. One of those for me is a bit of new challenge. In the last year I've started snoring. Now snoring is not exclusively a problem for the fat folks, but it is definitely associated with large neck circumference (which I have) and weight gain (which I did).

I've never been a great sleeper but in the last 6 months my sleep has gotten horrible. I've been stressed about work and I started waking up gasping on a frequent basis. My throat and chest were often sore and I was constantly tired.

I saw a doctor who specializes in sleep problems first in late May. He noted that I have a delayed phase sleep disorder and he was concerned about obstructive sleep apnea. He recommended a sleep study which I had at the beginning of July along with a program to help me shift my sleep pattern. He recommended that I stop exercising in the evenings which may be helping me sleep but I'm struggling with getting in the workouts that I know make me feel good overall.

So that brings us to the snoring. From my previous post, you know that I've spent a few nights this summer with someone new. The first night I hardly slept so snoring wasn't an issue. On the second visit, snoring became a bit of a problem. I find the fact that I snore very embarrassing. I'm not sure why because it's not really something I can control. I think the fact that it's new for me and I don't really have strategies makes it even more difficult. I just didn't know what to do about it. Luckily he was very understanding and though we did spend some time sleeping apart we were also able to make some time sleeping together work which was nice. I had the second part of my sleep study last night because the first one did reveal that I was having severe apnea in REM sleep. I'll be getting a CPAP machine and I got to try it out last night. I already sleep with a tooth guard because I grind my teeth so this is just going to add to my sexy quotient. I guess it's going to take a special guy to want to sleep with me and all my appliances!

Anybody out there dating with a CPAP? Or just as someone who snores? Got any tips? I guess there's not much I can do besides pull it all out once we get to that point and if we're comfortable enough to be sleeping together, I should be comfortable enough to put on my anti-snoring/keep breathing mask.

Some part of me hopes that I'm going to magically lose some weight by getting better sleep. The doctor mentioned that sleep apnea is associated with weight gain but that the data isn't clear on which causes which. He said he doesn't recommend that his patients try to lose weight before having a CPAP because apnea messes with the hormones related to weight control. I'm trying to remember all of my fat acceptance stuff and to love this body I'm in, but old habits related to the Fantasy of Being Thin still slip in every now and then. I do think getting back to regular yoga practice with it's focus on healthy breath work might be a very good thing for sleep apnea and I know it always makes me feel great as well.

Update: I just remembered that Coleen over at The Pretty Pear has been dealing with some similar issues (though she's not relating them to dating). Worth taking a look at her posts here and here if you suspect you might have apnea or another sleep disorder. She also links to the Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder information which I tucked in above.

Finding Fat Men Sexy: Culture, Gaze and the Male Body

This post started off as a comment on the post written by Plumcake from Manolo for the Big Girl called No Fat...Dudes? I ended up writing a post's worth in the comments so decided this was the better venue.

In that post, Plumcake asks whether she is a hypocrite because she has never dated a fat fellow hasn't historically dated fat fellows. I think this is a very interesting question. I've done a lot of dating and for a long time I too had never dated a fat man. In the fat-o-sphere I have the general impression that the message is:

"We don't want all men to find fat women fuckable because 'you're attracted to who you're attracted to' (YATWYAT) and that's fine. We just want you to respect the fact that some men are attracted to fat women and not deride them and us about it as if the possibility of wanting to have sex with us was unthinkable."

I think the message that our worth is not tied to whether you want to have sex with us is powerful and important but I think we may be doing the movement a bit of a disservice when we don't examine this more closely. The "YATWYAT" line is actually problematic. All of us are trained in this culture in many explicit and not-so-explicit kinds of ways to respond differently to different body types. We all absorb these messages even when we're trying to fight against them and I think it often takes vigilance and specific action to counteract the effects. Many women have to work to find their own bodies and bodies like theirs to be attractive and I think we need to do that same work with regards to the men we find attractive. So often the men presented to us in magazines, movies, and on TV as sexy or as objects of desire are very slim and muscular. Big and fat men are often presented as comic characters and often do get to be the love interest. When they are the love interest it's often in a role where the relationship is already established and they are not shown as an object of lust. This is doubly true for fat women in the mainstream media but this post is about the dudes!

A little over a year ago I decided to take on the project of retraining my eye to better appreciate the beauty and sex appeal of fat men. I had briefly dated a fat man and though I hadn't initially found him physically attractive I was attracted by other things and soon found myself physically interested in him. This conversion led me to realize that I'd been unfair and that I was missing out on a group of guys who might make great partners both in bed and in relationships so after we broke up I embarked on my gaze retraining project.

I was hesitant at first to even try because I believed the "YATWYAT" trope but I started seeking out images of fat men to see if it was possible to retrain my gaze. I'm happy to report that my project was a big success. I've been able to re-train my eyes to appreciate the sexiness of a variety of different male body types. One of my favorite resources for this has been the (often NSFW) blog Men in Full and the accompanying tumblr feed. The pictures of the men, sometimes nude and sometimes clothed and the commentary focusing on what made them sexy for the blogger there (sorry I can't find her name) helped me to start seeing these men differently and the fat men I run into in real life differently too.

Like Plumcake, I definitely didn't have a "no fat dudes" rule but I just didn't tend to notice them in the same way I did a more fit man. Men notice when you notice them. We put off subtle signals that give them the green light to flirt and I wasn't giving those signals to fat men so they weren't coming on to me. Now, over a year later, I notice big guys all the time and they often flirt with me. I've come to appreciate fat men like Jorge Garcia in a different way. I often saw his character on Lost as endearing but after this project I sometimes noticed that I wanted to jump Hurley's bones when he was on the screen in the same way I sometimes wanted to jump Sawyer's (Josh Holloway.)

Image copyright Fabrice www.biosstars.com

So my intrepid readers, what do you think about this? Have you dated fat men? Do you find them attractive in general? Have you changed what you find attractive or do you think it would be possible for you to do so?

Patience is a Virtue

This evening I chatted with a fellow who had contacted me last week on a dating site. He seemed interesting during our first chat and we ended up exchanging phone numbers. He called one afternoon last week. I couldn't take the call but he did not leave a message. Now this is one of my personal pet peeves because I feel like it leaves me in an awkward position. If you want to talk to me, leave a message. It's not that hard.

So needless to say, I did not call him back. Then Saturday at midnight as I was driving home from the Lilith Fair, my phone rings. It's an unknown number but I'm curious so I pick it up. A man with a strong accent says "Hello, did you forget me?" Now I have no idea who could possibly be calling me at midnight. I ask who it is and he replies "You don't know who this is?" I say no. We go through this routine a few times and I decide to make a few guesses. I was feeling a bit panicky about not being able to figure out who it was, like I had forgotten someone important which was a bit ridiculous. Just as I'm about to hang up he finally told me. I felt relief and we chatted for a few minutes. I told him I can't talk for long because I have a friend in the car. He is obviously a little bit peeved that he hasn't heard from me before this point. He comments on how busy I am. I felt strangely guilty but I shook myself out of it. I am doing the best I can. This is a complicated process with no clear rules. He asked me to call him back when I could talk. I told him I would though I'm not sure I really want to. My instinct is saying that he wouldn't be a good match.

Tonight he found me on instant messenger and again got a little bit belligerent about my pacing. He told me early in the conversation that he'd been on a date with a woman from his work yesterday. He told me that he doesn't really like her but that he feels like he needs to be in a relationship so he's probably going to date her. He complained about how people weren't responding quickly enough to his overtures on the dating site. He also told me that he has interviewed "over 1,000" people related to his work so he can judge people on the first date. He was anxious to have a date with me so he can put me under this microscope and decide if I'm worth dating. It was not a very good vibe.

The work of online dating

Online dating is a LOT of work.

First I create a profile. I go over it a few times trying to make it interesting and authentic and to minimize the silly errors that are basically inevitable. Having done it a few times does give me some extra compassion when I'm reading the profiles of others. I choose a few photos: flattering but not unrealistic representations of what I look like. I'm not trying to trick anyone. I make sure I put a full body shot up. I hit submit and wait for approval by the service. A day or so later it begins...

The first wave: I get the initial feelers of interest. On the smaller site I'm using now this has been less than I've experienced before. This site is devoted to fat folks. I got 18 responses. The first was a man inquiring whether I am looking for a dominant/submissive relationship. I'm not so I move on. About half are men well outside what I consider an acceptable age range. I'm 34 so I gently hold to 26 to 44 as what I'll consider. If a profile really wows me but is outside the range I'll give him a chance. I read all the messages and look at all the profiles unless the message is completely out of line. I try to respond to anyone who writes a real response in some way even if it's only to tell them I'm not interested. Many of these responses are quick form responses which you don't have to be a paying member to send. I have not paid yet. I wanted to see what the responses were like first. I'm not sure what I will do. You can engage in email with paying members even if you haven't paid. I've had 5 real emails. I sort and respond favorably to the ones who catch my interest. Many are not local. I've decided to look beyond the LA area.

If anyone is reading this, let me know if this is similar to your experiences. Are you trying online dating? Do you want to but are worried? Have you tried a site that is devoted to fat folks?

Fat and Dating

Dating. It's something I've done an awful lot of in my 34 years. I've been in 3 long term relationships since I was 17 but I've also spent about six cumulative years single and I don't like to sit home alone. I've got some great stories and though my friends have heard most of them I feel like it might be time to write a few down.

I have very much enjoyed dating at times of my life and at other times it's felt like a huge chore. I'm certainly not a champion at relationships. I make mistakes and probably don't have the confidence that I should in putting myself out there but I'm re-committing to the process so I think it's time to bear (bare?) some witness to the struggles of being a fat woman dating.

I very much enjoyed the only other blog I've seen about fat women dating but she fell in love and started blogging about running (something I definitely don't enjoy) and I've felt like there's been a bit of a hole in the fatosphere ever since. So I guess I'm going to try to fill it.

Yesterday I posted a new personal ad on a site specifically devoted to larger people and considered posting another one. I've had ads up for years on the mainstream sites with various degrees of action coming from them. I've met some interesting people and even had a few short relationships start from them but obviously nothing that was right for the long haul and that's what I'm looking for. I want to be with someone for a long time to come. I want an everyday connection. I want the security of knowing that I am with someone I can trust. I want someone who can work with the flawed parts of me and appreciate the fantastic parts too.

So off I go...maybe just continuing to talk to myself but maybe someone else will take a little inspiration from here. Maybe there are some other fat women who would like a place to talk about all the trials and tribulations that come with dating as a fat woman. Maybe I will find some insight in the wilds of the web that will lead me down a different dating path.